photoflow: shift happens

my photo of my neighbor's antique pinocchio was featured on shuttersisters "picture winter" gallery a couple days ago. picture winter is an e-photography class offered by shuttersisters founder / photographer & teacher extraordinaire / sweet soul tracey clark.  

i have to say i like this image. there is something so sweet about this little guy ... his feet dangling off the edge of the mantle, his peaceful smile, his arms relaxed but ready to spring into action. he reminds me of little boys, in their own dreamworld but ready to jump up and participate in this world when the time is right.

i also like that i included the pink wood cutout moulding on top. and that i muted the colors a bit.

part of photography is about knowing how to use the camera and lens well enough to get what we want: exposure, focus, depth of field, all the mechanics ... thinking activity. and the other part of photography is all about heart and feelings and intuition ... making photographic choices by feeling them, the way a painter paints and just knows from the heart where to use what color, texture, shape.

with many of my portraits over the years, i often opted for an absolutely plain background, making the subject even more prominent. i've always liked a clean look. but lately i include some context, some background, even if just a little. here, this moulding angles just enough to create some framing, some "place" for the little guy.

and sometimes i get a little (lot!) heavy with the vibrance and saturation sliders in lightroom, making the colors *pop.* but other times, i'm seeing the beauty in subtlety. 

we really are changing all the time. our tastes change, or at least shift, as long as we're still breathing, or depending on our mood. photographs are a great record of our own feelings, over time, or of a specific time. a diary in image form. and sometimes they show us a subtle shift we didn't even know had occurred. like rereading last year's journal pages, we can see how we have evolved and what tendencies remain.

My portraits are more about me than they are about the people I photograph.  ~Richard Avedon

on white

for anyone who has been wondering where on earth i have been ... i have been here:

www.patrickprinty.com.

and here: sfgirlbybay.

pat's interior design as seen on california home + design

you see, i want to paint my whole interior white. my insides get all flipfloppy (in a good way) when i see photos of white interiors. LOVE! but there is so much natural wood here ... to paint or not to paint, that is my question.

well, serendipity is upon me. late one night i found the work of interior designer pat printy. he's not afraid AT ALL to paint natural wood white. and he had time to come over for a consult. i am such a lucky girl.

when he came to my house, he said ... paint it all white except for the lodge (my living/dining used to be a hunting lodge) ceiling. that was IT! the answer i'd been looking for. he's totally right. 

anyway, i'm back at it this week. remodeling, that is. just wanted you to know i have not fallen off the edge of the planet. i'm here. working away. pulling my hair out. not remaining calm at all. is there such a thing as zen-remodeling?

but i miss you! and promise, i'll be back as soon as i can. 

mwah!

h

monday memories: mom

yesterday, a stunning eight years ago, my mom went into the light.

some people say that a light went out. and that's true. a force, a life force, a shining light of human existence (even though she was imperfect, human and didn't always act in *lightly* ways). extinguished for all eternity. 

but when someone dies, they also go into the light. the light of eternity.

i see it both ways. we are the light and the light is here all around us. the light IS eternity. we are eternity. 

my mom was many things to many people, just like everyone is.

she was warm and funny, controlling and manipulative, hilarious and generous, bitter and mean. loving. hating. she was just like everyone else. light and dark. but the light is what remains.

i have learned much since my mom's passing. about a year after she died, i wanted to know ... where did she go? i started reading about death. i'm fascinated by it. and not at all afraid. apprehensive perhaps, but not afraid. because i know about the light. (more on that, another time).

there has been much death around me lately ... robbie, and my friend's mom, and many anniversaries of death. i have heard that there are many more deaths around this time of year -- end of december, beginning of january. i have heard it's because the "veil in thinner" at this time of year, the material and spiritual worlds closer. tried researching death statistics. to no avail. anyone?

i don't mean to be morbid. and i don't mean to be insensitive. death is soooooooooo painful for those left behind. believe me, i know.

mom, i miss you. i still want to call you at important times, to tell you all about whatever it is. and after the passing urge to pick up the phone, i remember. you are not here to call. so i "call" you in the way that i can now, speaking to your spirit, feeling you, feeling your love. you never shied away from speaking about your own death. thank you for that. you said, when i die honey, i'll be in the clouds looking down on you.

so i used to talk to mom in the clouds. and when there are no clouds, like at night, i talk to her anyway. i don't need clouds anymore. she is the light, and the light is all around, even when it's dark.

I saw eternity the other night, like a great ring of pure and endless light.

- Henry Vaughan

 

into the light

 ... dear robbie went to the light this week ...

 

 

what a great loss for us all, for the planet! 

in her presence, i felt seen and loved just as i am. she never tried to change me or fix me, but guided me gently with heart, compassion and wisdom -- the greatest of gifts anyone could ever bestow. she showed up in my life when my mom died and provide me with "mom-energy" which i needed and cherished so much. and she was HI-LAR-I-OUS, such fun to be with. we typically shared chinese food and closed many a restaurant down, lingering with our tea, fortunes and laughter. robbie, thank you for being my friend. 

her husband of forever wrote this letter to friends and family, and he said i could share it with you here. how lucky were they to have found each other and lived so many years, so well-matched? and how hard that must be to lose one's match?

my heart goes out to robbie's family and friends, to her husband and children. may peace be with you.

 

Dear Family and Friends,

Just after my mother died, an ancient rabbi told me that the good die young: God wants all the good people close to him. I was 15, not much of a believer, and those words passed over my head. They came back to me today.

Robbie died yesterday. She was brave, concerned always with helping and supporting others, and relentlessly optimistic. More than 60 people visited her bedside in the last four days of her life. But she couldn't prevail against a massive hospital-derived infection on top of her aggressive uterine cancer and, with the best care possible -- the UCSF intensive care unit and full life support -- she was unable to fight the infection. Jesse, Noel, Danielle and I, and our friend Gordon, surrounded her singing Amazing Grace. She left us during one of the five stanzas.

I told her more than once that meeting her and being her life partner was the best thing that ever happened to me. She is the most caring person I've ever known. We traveled the world together, co-parented two great children, entetained many friends, created a home together in Inverness (and less permanent homes in Stanford, Berkeley, Fairfax, The Plains, VA, Washington DC, London, College Park, Bologna, Istanbul, Adelaide, Bali, India and the SS Universe Explorer), made love a lot -- not much different from other well-matched people, but special for us.

She was one of a kind and irreplaceable. I regret not growing old together and not having grandchildren.  She'd have been an amazing grandmother.

Love,  Armin

in with the new, the messy

optimistically hoping for everything to be in order by 1/1/11 ... 'tis sadly not the case :-(

anyone who knows me knows, i don't like messes. and right now, my office is a mess, my filing cabinets are a mess, my computer files are a mess, my lightroom catalog is a mess, my garage is a mess ... 

funny, before the holidays all this was pretty much in the same state of affairs. but i want NEW! CLEAN! BRIGHT! SHINY! IT'S A NEW YEAR, AFTER ALL! 

i have forgiven myself for totally dropping the ball in december with picture the holidays and reverb10, two very worthy projects. i was just too busy scurrying around and celebrating! but the messes, grrr ... 

lord knows, i know that whenever i disagree with what IS, i create my own suffering. and the messes IS messy. and the oh-so-many-things i want to do IS messy, too. i'm a spring baby, born on march 21. aries. look out! headstrong. stubborn. impatient. and i can smell spring already!

all the work i've done to be in the om zone has flown right out the window with the new year. huh? how did that happen? 

maybe it's cause i gave up dairy on new year's day. found out the night before christmas i'm casein intolerant, sadly. as in, no cow/sheep/goat dairy. none. no yogurt even!

maybe i just need to pull out one or more tools i've learned to ground in the present and accept what IS: breathe. lie down with a heavy blanket covering my body. hold a pillow. look around the room and name things in present time. yoga. bath. rub my legs in downward direction. feel my feet on the floor. i know all the tricks. yeah, i probably should have done that before sitting down to write this. forgive me? (life sure is messy sometimes!).

anyway, i wanted to let you know i'm switching things up a bit here at eyechai. i need to Focus on the 4 F's +1 right now: Fitness, Foto biz, Friends, Family and house remodel. which for me means that i need to blog later in the day instead of first thing. or shorter posts? more photos? (i can't write too late in the evening or it'll be punchy like tonight!) i'm not sure yet if i'll still be able to post 5x week, but i'll let you know as soon as i've figured out the new blogging regime. please don't go away, though, i love creating this eyechai blog and i love YOU!

meantime, is your new year clean or messy, accepting or not? what IS up with you? (great, now i'm ungrounded AND punchy. what next?) 

go to bed, hillary.

love,

me

and so it goes ...

yesterday it was sunny. today it is raining. and so it goes.

has been a flurry of a week, since i lost a week last week (sick). and 'tis the flurry of the season.

i'm off to portland for christmas with friends, then my brother and family are coming for a visit the following week. 

will be back here in the new year, ready to rock and roll!

may you have healthy, joy- and love-filled holidays and a happy new year! 

solstice wishes coming true ... 

peace,

xh

photoflow: first place ... in listening

in november i entered a local photography contest. it was one of those meant-to-be things ... i only found out about it at the last minute because i went to our town hall requesting a building permit and saw the flyer there. 

at the contest kick-off that very evening, everyone had to pick a category out of a hat. i plucked "age" and was hardly thrilled with my category. something about the big 5 - 0 fast approaching ...  

the very first image that popped into mind was my gentleman neighbor's bald head with short white hairs circling his crown. he must be somewhere between 65 and 75 but won't fess up to his age. i ask, cajole, divulge my age over and over again ... but he's not telling! i find this hysterical. a man. an older man. who won't tell his age! 

i asked my neighbor if he was willing to let me photograph the top of his head. he was game. but i kept putting off the actual shoot. 

so many gremlins in my head, shouting: that's a dumb idea! lame! trite!

i wondered if i could shoot it with my favorite lens these days (my 50mm compact macro), really blow out the background and focus on the little white hairs ... but the gremlins returned in full force: lame! 

ok, i'll think of something else. brainstormed and came up with lists of other options, but none really grabbed me. the week got busy. the deadline fast approaching. then the weather turned and the gray, sunless days thwarted my idea of sunlight backlighting his little white hairs. gremlins: awww, forget about it! just blow it off! it's a stupid idea, anyway! don't waste your time!

on the last evening before the deadline, the sun came out. i braved over to my neighbor's. he was available and willing. we shot. we laughed. he gave me a tour of his home and backyard. got to know him a little better. had fun. 

later that evening i kept procrastinating working on the image. i waited until after 11pm facing a midnight deadline. sat down to process the image. gremlins: it's no good! doesn't work! lame! and on and on.

somehow, i mustered the courage to enter my photo just before midnight. 

and it turns out i won!: first place in the age category. featured in the local newspaper. photo hanging at the community center for a month. and $100 worth of gift certificates. 

i'm sharing this not to toot my own horn. don't get me wrong. winning is always fun. but i've been able to watch myself during this whole experience, and i've been able to see that the gremlins in my head are not my true Self. yet i often listen to them because they are LOUD.

i know that the gremlins are nothing but fear. fear raising its voice. shouting. fear trying to keep my little ego safe.

but that fear is suffocating. that fear is limiting. and i do not want to be acting from that place. i want to act from the place that watches the gremlins. the place that is inspired and creative. the place that is everlasting and unchanging. my true Self. 

i know that fear and emotions come and go, like the weather. i know that incessant, uncreative and unthinking "thoughts" are just that: thoughts. and i don't have to listen to them. 

hey gremlins: YOU'RE THE STUPID ONES!

my first place win is a testament to listening to that first image that popped into my mind's eye. my instinct. my inner self knowing exactly what is to be done. what is right for me. trusting my Self. that still small voice that i am nurturing so it can grow more confident and loud, stronger than the gremlins in my head. 

i proudly accept this first place win in honor of listening to my true Self. 

There are no rules for good photographs, there are only good photographs. 

~Ansel Adams

monday memories / RTW trip: the end of the end

sadly there are no more photos from our RTW trip, even though we visited three more countries (there were supposed to be five). here's the story of the early end of our trip:

after the last post about israel ... 

we headed north to greece where we had both previously travelled. i had spent my sophomore college year in greece. curt had travelled with a friend to visit someone in my group. amazingly we had both been at the same new year’s eve party in athens 12 years prior but had not met! 

this time, we wanted to stay at the same hotel for old time's sake ... but there was no room. was this a sign of things to come? 

so we island hopped to skyros to stay with the cutest aussie couple we had met just for an evening in egypt ... that’s travellers for you. so open! stayed with them for a week of eating (olives, feta, dolmades, calamari), gabbing and laughing (into the wee hours), motorbike touring (including a flat tire, which we fixed with more ouzo) and beach time. heaven. 

pulled ourselves away from this little piece of paradise and headed to italy to send most of our stuff home, buy bicycles and panniers and start our cycling portion – the last portion – of our trip: cycling and camping from italy to portugal. 

i had been lobbying curt for a bike trip through europe since the beginning of our RTW trip. thinking europe is so expensive compared to southeast asia, let's just ride bikes and camp, keeping our costs down. it'll be fun! we'll wine taste in france. you'll see!

turned out this was the HOTTEST summer on record in southern europe. we started in june in italy. we hadn't yet headed southward (HOTward) to spain or portugal in even HOTTER july. to beat the heat, we rose each day before dawn to eat a hearty breakfast and break camp. had some dazzlingly stunningly beautiful dawn rides down country lanes in italy. but as the mornings progressed into noontime (HOTtime), we melted each and every day. we pedaled between 54 and 108 kilometers daily, then would roll into a campsite and soak in the swimming pool all afternoon. ate pasta every night for dinner and crashed to sleep, waking again pre-dawn for another day of the same. it was europe, it was beautiful, but it was just too darn HOT. 

crossing into france was exciting, except that we somehow lost each other in the hilliest place of all: monaco. we each ended up riding up and down that huge hill in monaco a few times until we found each other, relieved to find each other and furious that we'd become separated and had to ride up and down that @#!&* hill so many times. our bikes were pretty heavy, and even heavier with full panniers.

in nice, we wanted to go to the matisse museum. having left our rear panniers in the tent in the campground, we locked our bikes in front of the museum. i left the handlebar bag on my bike. curt thought i should carry it into the museum, but i didn't want to lug it. no one will steal anything, i argued to curt. (i can be pretty darn persuasive. it'll be fine, you'll see!) both of us forgetting he had put his travellers checks in the my bike bag that morning, which also contained all my exposed film from italy, greece and israel. THIS WAS ABOUT THE DUMBEST MOVE I MADE ON THE ENTIRE TRIP! 

went to the window just 15 meters from our bikes to buy our museum entrance tickets. when we turned around to look at the bikes before entering the museum, my bike bag had already been stolen. 

after a few low days sorting out travellers checks, we steered our bikes into the countryside of france, pointed toward portugal. looking forward to shifting gears back into happiness, we wanted to make our french cycling dreams come true, lavender and sunflowers and wine tasting, all that! still, it was HOT. 

another dawn start and we were in a wine region early in the morning. the first winery sign we saw, curt wanted to stop for a taste. the sign pointed toward a little dirt lane with a bend so we couldn't see how far it was to the winery. the lane was a downhill (which means i have to ride back uphill with heavy bike and panniers). it was 9am. we started down the lane and then i said STOP! 

i wasn't about to go knocking on a winery door at 9am. and it might not have even been a proper tasting room, could have been just some winemaker's home. no way. and especially since i didn't know how far off the main road it was. downhill. i wasn't having any of it! 

infuriated, curt rode back uphill toward the main road. when i got to the main road, he was nowhere in sight. i waited. we had ONE RULE for cycling together: wait at all intersections for the other. i waited and waited. finally i started riding in the direction of our destination. didn't see curt for an hour. stopped at the first sign of civilization, a cafe along the road. excusez-moi, have you seen a cyclist? they had not seen him. i was very worried. where was curt? had he fallen into a ditch? someone offered to drive me back to the country lane with the winery sign. he wasn't there. i looked in the ditches and bushes along the way. back at the cafe, i waited some more. they suggested we call the gendarmes (police). so the gendarmes arrived, i told them my story, and we went out looking for curt. 

we found him riding further along on the main road. loaded him and his bike in the cop car and brought him back to the cafe. i was crying. he was seething. while the gendarmes read curt the riot act in french. 

this bike trip was not turning out to be the fairy tale cycling escapade i had imagined. 

we were arguing. a lot. it was HOT. maybe riding all the way to portugal was not the best idea under the circumstances. we made it all the way to aix en provence. still HOT. still bickering. we looked at one another and agreed. it was time. time to go home. as soon as we even mentioned the idea out loud, a wave of relief came over both of us.

10 months. 13 countries. a lifetime of memories. 

~~~~~

lessons learned: travel. go! go NOW! you never know when or if you will have the opportunity again. oh, and never ever EVER leave important things in a bike bag. 

+++++

before the trip, i had recently graduated grad school in journalism and was freelancing as a photojournalist at the oregonian. curt and i had seen "jean de florette," a movie about a parisian couple who moved to a village to live a simpler life. we thought it would be fun to rent a house in the french countryside for awhile. then we thought, why not travel? which mushroomed into why not travel around the world? i was 30 years old. i would have a full-time job someday and wouldn't be able to just up and leave for 10 months. curt had just been accepted to art school after working at the same job for many years, and was ready for a change. so we travelled!

a month after our return to portland, i was offered my first full-time job as a photojournalist at the long beach press-telegram. and moved to socal. curt and i went our separate ways. 

we are still very close and he has helped me remember our travels, so i could share them here. and i'm going to portland for christmas to see curt and other friends from college. this is the last installment of monday memories until the new year, when i will continue to remember and share. 

2011 monday memories will include stories of athletics, school, family, friends, spirituality, and of course, lots more travel! 

thank you for coming along on these journeys, which i hope inspire you to remember your lives, your special moments, and your lessons learned while living.

peace.

xh

not (five things) today

this is my mouth, the mouth that likes to sing, from a few happy days ago. not my mouth today, i'm afraid.

i am still sooooooo sick. the saddest part about it is that my biannual choir concert is this weekend! i survived our mandatory wednesday night choir rehearsal, just. and we have another mandatory rehearsal tonight. both of these are our first rehearsals this season with the professional orchestra and three soloists ... absolutely thrilling. 

somehow i will get all dressed up in black and pearls and sing this weekend and survive ... and thank goodness there are 109 other singers to drown out my croakey voice. you won't catch me NOT singing. ain't gonna happen. i'm there. 

but, dear reader, i am not HERE today. i am so sorry. my head is in a vice grip, my ears are in a descending airplane, and my throat is on fire. just the last few sentences a serious struggle. so. i'm climbing back into bed. forgive me.

may you have a great weekend. enjoy the holiday spirit. don't get all crazy on us!

here's a good idea ... go listen to a choral concert!

xh

reverb(erating), week one

i just found out about reverb and joined in. it's an online *reverberation* reflecting on this past year and manifesting in the coming year. dreamt up by this creative soul, who feeds us writing prompts each day of december by her creative pals who author thoughtful questions. here goes for this first week: 

1. one word: for 2010, my word has been REKINDLE, as in long lost loves. as in ... photography. yeah. for 2011, my word is OPEN. open to life. to people. to opportunities. to a good man. OH yeah!

2. writing: can i eliminate the thing that does not contribute to my writing? i actually can't think of one thing that does not contribute to my writing. everything contributes to my writing. absolutely everything: the good, the bad and the ugly. do i have any time wasters? is that the question? hmmm. well. often i stay up late writing, when i'd rather get up early and write *fresh*. my daily rhythm promotes health on all levels in 2011. 

3. moment: most alive moment in 2010 ... meeting carol, for sure. 

4. wonder: i cultivate wonder by bringing my camera on every dogwalk with daisey, every day. oh the things i see. nature's miracles everywhere.

5. let go: what/whom did i let go of this year? i let go of my mom's things which have been living in my closets and garage for over seven years. i sold her furs on ebay just last month, sent her jewelry to a friend to sell, and am working on the rest. and it doesn't make me sad (or an incapacitated puddle of tears) like it used to. 

6. make: the last thing i made? photo placecards. i make things all the time with my photos. i especially like to make photo thank yous.

7. community: squam really really really was THE place i needed to go in 2010, and the people there were THE COMMUNITY i needed to find. it opened up my whole view of my place in the world!

i am an artist.

i'd never been able to say that before. someone i know very well in france asked me who i was, what i wanted to be, years ago. i said: je suis une artiste (joining the 'suis' with the 'une' with an exciting zzzzzz. as in "je swee zoon artiste"). he laughed in my face. scoffed. you're not an artist. well guess what, monsieur? i. am. an. artist. photographer. writer. expressing my Self. because i must. 

and it was at squam, with all those other artists, those who already know they are artists and those, like me, who are timid about saying it. those women inspired me to my core, lifted me up into myself. so i can be true. 

in 2011, the community i want to build is with other artists and creative souls (which every single person on this planet is, in fact). in my daily life. here. in mill valley. 

i have lots of friends all over the bay area, all over the country, and all over the world. but very few here in mill valley. and the ones i do have are busy with small children. which makes my life quite quiet most days. so i'd like to connect more right in my own backyard.

speaking of backyards ... i visited my fab friend cyn in italy so many years ago while she was living in a little village on lake como. one of the most picturesque places on earth. every evening her neighbors sat outside watching the sunset, sharing wine and cheese and savoring the day together before dinner. 

here in mill valley, i have a neighbor about 5 doors down who sips wine from a beautiful wineglass while watering his roses in the summer evenings. so my plan is to share some wine with doug, and the other neighbors when the weather gets better. start an evening ritual. some evenings in my yard, some in doug's front yard. everyone welcome. saluté!

photoflow: handmade thank yous

i like to think i'm quite organized (in spite of my thanksgiving story). but my friend laura (not smize laura, another equally beautiful laura) is super duper organized. she works, moms, loves, runs, and makes it all look easy. up at her house one evening for dinner, i complimented her on her little dish in which she places her salt and pepper shakers. what a great idea! no pesky grains of salt and pepper left on the kitchen counter like at my house. "here," she said, reaching into a cupboard, pulling out an identical little italian plate and placing it in my hands. "i have several, and never use them." wow, gosh, gee, thanks laura!
 
as a thank you, i photographed my shakers on my little italian plate on my kitchen counter. and made it into a thank you card.
and lo and behold ... i found the absolute bestest way to thank someone for something! make a special photo, make it into a card, write "thank you" on it and send. YES!
 
i have since made many thank you cards with my own photos on the front. here's my latest thank you card from thanksgiving ... (which was kind of a snafu but wasn't really.)
people absolutely love a handmade thank you. from a specially made photograph. of the thing they gave you. or of a moment you shared together. or of a specific thing you discussed while together. it's the thought that counts. and the handmade gesture. and effort it took to actually sit down and make something. with these hands. and these eyes.
You don't take a photograph.  You ask, quietly, to borrow it. 
~Author Unknown

monday memories: latke heaven/hell

the only memory i have for you today is this from my cousin mark's rockin' latke party this weekend. 

i am seriously under the weather, my throat is on fire, my brain is underwater, and hopefully as you are reading this, i am tucked snugly into bed. 

this cold/flu may be just-what-i-get for eating too many latkes on saturday. or is that the gelt talking?! (you may have to be jewish, or know a little yiddish, to understand this!)

anyway, the finale of our RTW trip will post next monday, with any luck. the following week, i have a new series ready to continue on monday memories ...

thank you for your understanding. 

now bed. 

five things: technology can be very useful!

- vonage phone service. unlimited long distance in the US and to 60 countries for $26/month. i signed up this week! 

- dragon dictation app for iphone. i record into my phone, dragon translates my words into text and i can send via text or email to myself or anyone else! love this! also comes in a desktop version. 

- cool mom tech blog. making tech female-friendly.

- bose sounddock10 for ipod. sounds a-ma-zing! i'm getting one ...

- stop the commercials on your comcast DVR! this is an awesome bit of news!

grounded. and lifted.

as you know, daisey and i were off to utah for thanksgiving. that is, until we weren't. 

all packed up and bundled up (daisey with her new pink sweater and down coat to brave the utah piddle breaks), we settled into one of those fancy black cars to the airport (since daisey isn't allowed on the airporter shuttle bus), well early to accommodate the tuesday-before-thanksgiving holiday crush. gliding up the swooping offramp to SFO, i reached in my wallet to pay the guy, and realized, "i don't have my driver's license!" 

now we all know we need a government-issued photo ID to fly. (i had lost my wallet, and had applied for a new license, but only had the temporary photo-less paper from the DMV). so i made a quick decision ... instead of going into the airport and spending my precious time finding out if they'd let me through security, i asked the driver if he would take us back to my house to get my passport and back again to the airport ... maybe i could still make my flight. he turned the car around and we raced home. i must've told him at least three times, "i know exactly where my passport is." his driving pleased me. he drove as i would have driven. he executed smart lane changes to make the best time possible, and we would still -- maybe -- make the flight.

this kind of thing used to send my adrenaline soaring. and i loved it. adrenaline was my fuel. happened often as a photojournalist. insanely desperately racing to get to an assignment, to a news scene, to a last minute flight ... this time, i was relatively calm, with floods of adrenaline rising through my body, followed by ebbs of the attitude: i'll make it if i make it. 

pulled up and dashed into the house to my trusty filing cabinet to the file marked: BIRTH CERTIFICATE /PASSPORT ... but no current passport (only expired ones). whaaaaat? where IS it? i looked high and low, upstairs downstairs, in all the other files, in my other filing cabinets, the clock ticking. i looked and looked, and 20 minutes into the search, i knew. i wasn't going to make this flight. i was grounded.

for a moment, that other flood rose upward in my system, the surge that brings on tears. i could feel it coming, to right up behind my eyes. i wasn't going to get to go to utah to be with my brother and my sister-in-law and my nephews for thanksgiving. my parents aren't here anymore. i was going to be ALONE for the most important holiday of the year. ALL ALONE. 

and then, as suddenly as the surge started, it diminished, ebbed. no flood here. no tears. ok. i'm not going to utah. i'm staying right here. 

told the driver what happened, paid him for all his good driving and kindness, dragged my bags back into the house, made calls cancelling catsitters, and called my brother. grounded.

the reality set in that i was home -- not in utah -- for this four-day holiday. nothing but time and space. got invited to several thanksgiving dinners. made plans to see friends. all was well.

i had heard for so long from all the great spiritual teachers of our time -- eckhart tolle, byron katie, and my teacher adyashanti -- (and jesus and buddha probably said it, too) that whenever you argue with reality, when you want something other that what is actually happening ... you create your own suffering. if i wanted to be in utah but wasn't in utah, then i would suffer, i would be sad and mad and frustrated. this time, i didn't even have to try to tame my mind. none of those thoughts came, thoughts of being a victim of the circumstances, nor did the self-critical thoughts that usually come, like "how could you be so stupid to let this happen?" i was miraculously ok with being grounded. weird. 

this whole thing is very weird, i thought. i'm usually so organized. i'm not at all flakey. there must be a reason why this is happening ... so i headed up to my meditation room and sat, asking "why am i not going to utah for thanksgiving? what is this all about?" and clearly *got* that it was about aloneness. 

this aloneness thing has been a real bugaboo for me. makes me incredibly sad and makes me anxious. and at times, i'll do anything to not feel that aloneness. eat too much. go to the movies in a tizzy. work till all hours of the night. just to not feel alone and lonely. my therapist says that everyone feels alone, even people in happy, stable relationships for 50 years. so it's not just about being single and living alone. huh?

wednesday i got up and went to meditate straight away. this is the best way for me to start the day, to meditate before my mind gets distracted by everything else. but i admit it happens rarely. i often get distracted the moment i open my eyes.

so. i meditated. and asked the Universe (or God, Spirit, Truth, Life, Higher Power, Christ, Buddha, Allah, Whatever-you-want-to-call-it) two things. the first thing i can't remember. the second thing i asked was: "please show me what it is i need to learn or see about aloneness." i have learned to just put the question out there, and wait for a response. so finished up. then yoga. then hopped in the car and pulled out heading to a nearby trailhead for a run. but i wasn't paying attention and hit the car parked across the street from my driveway. 

now one might think i'd really lose it here. i thought i'd lose it. this is the kind of thing that usually really spins me out, and makes that critical voice inside my head into a monster. the flood of adrenaline/crying/criticism started to rise, then just stopped, ebbed back to calm. go inside, write a note, leave it on the dashboard, and drive to the trailhead. which is exactly what i did. no drama. i hit a car. all is well. all will be repaired. that's what insurance is for. calm. 

whaaaaaat? no drama? NO CREATING MY OWN SUFFERING? ... no. i didn't even have to try. didn't have to wrangle my monkey mind. peace just came. 

the day started out perfectly with meditation/yoga/run and just sailed on all day. the car owner came to the door later, we exchanged information, she was completely chill. no drama. the whole thing was kind of surreal. 

i was a little concerned about the wednesday evening before the thanksgiving holiday. it's like a friday night on steroids. A VERY IMPORTANT EVE. and i'm often a mess on friday nights. everyone racing home to their loved ones to go have a super duper duper fun weekend. and i'm often alone. so i was trying to be careful about how i was going to spend my thanksgiving eve. 

i had planned on taking take daisey to sausalito in the late afternoon. but i waffled, didn't seem like the right place to go. couldn't make up my mind. what about muir beach? what about tiburon? what about the dog park? i actually sat down on my bathroom floor and shut my eyes, trying to get where it was we were to go, where was the right place to go? (i've been trying to live more by intuition lately, and it works when i can hear it). finally i got we were going to tiburon, and off we went. 

the waterfront in tiburon is daisey's favorite. she can romp off-leash on the lush grass with all the other little doggies. and it's beautiful for me, too, looking out over the bay towards angel island, the golden gate bridge and san francisco beyond. and it's oh so familiar, having grown up in belvedere-tiburon. 

but i had some trepidation. worried i'd be upset seeing all the families together.

it was a magnificent afternoon, clear and crisp. daisey romped. shortly along the path, i saw up ahead a big family coming toward me. multiple generations, all strolling together in a pack. a small flood rose in me, then ebbed. i saw an older gentleman in a wheelchair being pushed by his strapping grandson. more women, men and children, chitterchattering away. but when i looked in the eyes of that older gentleman, who didn't look particularly lonely, something in his eyes told me he felt alone. 

a flash of insight struck me: we are all alone. each and every one of us. no matter what our outer circumstances. no matter if we have people all around us or not. we are born alone and we die alone. and that being alone is painful and that we all carry that pain. it is part of the human condition, and thus connects us all, making us all the same. all-one. alone. and yet truly connected. 

this realization gave me deep compassion and LOVE for that gentleman. and for myself, and for that whole chitterchattering family. and for everyone who came along my path that afternoon. and for my family in utah. and for everyone i know all over the world. and for everyone, for all people, everywhere. PURE LOVE.

i walked, daisey trotted and sniffed, we chatted with folks, got a latté. all was well. 

i spent my weekend among friends ... eating, celebrating, hiking, drinking, sharing. made plans to see my brother and family here after christmas. and just relaxed.

grounded. and lifted. beyond my wildest dreams. so so thankful.

i was also reminded that i am not alone at all. if the Universe answers me that quickly and clearly, then i am never alone, because the Universe is so magically and mysteriously there, always.

PS - i still can't remember the first question i asked the Universe, but i know the answer was my hitting that car. i guess i have to ask the question again. i just hope i'm paying more attention next time!