they came. they went. i wept.

so just one week after i had visited this lovely clan back in new hampshire, my favorite family in the whole wide world came to visit here for a couple days. and i really fluffed. as in, flubbed. as in, any and all f-ed words you can come up with. 

you see, they are all beautiful people, on the inside -- which is where it counts (on the outside too, but who cares?!). they love, they laugh, they spill forth with goodness, making all those around them feel joy. they kept talking to their children about being KIND, a top value in this family. 

erin, charlie, max (6), madigan (2), and newest member mckinley (5 weeks) stayed for just two days and two nights. and i think i managed in that wee short time to make them feel unwelcome and unwanted. oh no!

i didn't mean to do that. really i didn't. i LOVE these guys.

but i'm used to peace and quiet and neatness and calm. my home is a sanctuary. classical or spa music wafting gently through the rafters. 

and i've been living alone for a looooooong time. too long, obviously. 

as soon as the troops descended, replete with duffles and diapers and toys and bunny crackers and paper hats and squeals and cries ... i was a goner. my blood pressure skyrocketed. nervous system on overload. anxiety city. *

we all went to the zoo yesterday. 

these guys know how to ham it up, fun all around.

me? i felt like the mean monkey half the time.

the lone underwater seal the rest of the time.

and i certainly deserved this: 

my peace offering is this exotic flower we all saw and were entranced by at the zoo.

to ecm3 ... this photograph reflects how bright and colorful and gorgeous and interesting you are to me. i hope we can see many more flowers together. i hope you will return and i can host you more gracefully next time. xh

* just fyi - usually i'm a pretty cool hostess. have houseguests often. enjoy having people around. really i do.

she came. she conquered. she went.

dona. bella dona.

photographer. mother. lover.

artist. philosopher. poet.

warrior. worker. chef. 

the dusty white van with new mexico plates pulled up, cowboy boots spilling onto the sidewalk. she's heeeeee-er! 

set up booth. eat. sleep. set up booth some more. coffee. talk. charm. flirt. sell. eat. drink. sleep.

more coffee. more flirting. more selling. more eating and drinking. take down booth. bathe. eat. drink. sleep. 

drive for two days ... home. rest. repeat. 

the life of an artist is NOT EASY! 

i remember when, years ago, dona told me she couldn't NOT do photography. she HAS TO. to me, she is a real artist, the real macoy. she just has to express herself in this medium, and share her vision with the world. and she works like a dog -- fortunately at the thing she loves most -- so she can send her son to private school, has for 10 years.  

dona was here for the mill valley art festival this weekend. showed her stunning photography, mostly horses and nudes. each piece printed in her dreamy style, b/w, sepiatoned and/or hand colored. and framed by hand! each unique piece receives a unique frame -- either an old window or an antique frame, fixed up then distressed or painted then distressed some more. people love her frames as much as they love her photography. so much work goes into them. many artfest-goers took home an original dona piece. the festival was a success!

last month i was in santa fe helping dona set up/break down her booth for the huge annual indian market. she needs extra help these days. you see, her partner of 10 years passed over in january. he was her rock, and now he is gone. the grief process is hard enough without having to heft tents and panels and giant framed pictures and tables and all, preparing for a show. or maybe the grief process is easier, physical work releasing energy that needs to move in order to go on. either way, it's too hard to do it all on her own. (and time does heal the heart. she's balancing better these days.)

ruminating around her artful space, i made pictures of the things i saw. some are her photographs, some are photographs of her, some are photographs of others’ she has hanging around. 

as you can probably tell, i love this woman, this friend of mine. we have knows each other since our florida days ... she was working as a photo lab tech at the palm beach post where i had my second internship as a photojournalist. we hit it off. instant friends forever. soul sisters.

she was an emerging photographer and i helped her get her first photography job at the newspaper where my roommate was the photo editor, the palm beach daily news. and she was off and running. look at her now!

no courage at all

it didn't take any courage whatsoever to visit this clan, on my way out of squam and art camp in new hampshire. no sirree bob, this required nothing of the sort. these people i love, they love me, and all i had to do was soak it all up, the love, the friendship, the easy togetherness.

you see, this growing family (new third baby a month ago) is my family. yet another family of mine. i was there when their first was born. invited to actually be there for the miracle that is max. 

that's just how these folks are. they invited me to share christmas eve with them in san francisco when my mom was spending her last days at the hospital nearby. 

in fact, i was enjoying soaking them up so much, i forgot to take pictures! we supped on lobster and corn in the garden, a perfect new england evening.

and they surprised me with their and my dear aussie friends fab justin and the lovely lily. it all passed too quickly. 

and then it was time for max to go to school ... 

and for me to get on the road ... 

but they're all coming to visit the left coast next week. i hope my camera does a better job of showing all their faces then! 

squam (this courageous life, con't)

morning squam light

squam lake. art camp. was it just a dream? rustic cabins, roaring fires, rocking chairs, making fun art, meeting inspiring new people, walking through forests. they say *magic* happens here ... sounds great, right? but it also was an opportunity to stretch myself, little challenges along the way. 

eileen wearing all her art fair finds

i found my inner lioness. found the courage to:

-       stand alone in the middle of the dining room the first night, looking around and around not knowing where to sit, all the tables wrapped in their own conversations. first night i sat with merrilee, eileen and sarah … with whom i spent my last morning as well, photographing on the dock. i stood in the middle of the dining room several more times, each time finding a place, mustering up courage to ask “can i sit with you?” and finding warmth every time with strangers who became friends.

the one and only ... elizabeth maccrellish

-       trust elizabeth’s encouragement to find my “YES!” all week long and follow that. i participated fully all day long, then in the evenings retreated to my room to rest (so little sleep prior, preparing to come to squam). on the third night i ventured out and found a rock to sit on by the edge of the lake. my yes was to forgo the nightly party in the main lounge of my cabin, of which i could hear every word and creak of the furniture and floorboards. instead i sat on that rock listening to the loons (sounds like coyotes) and the lapping water, watching the clouds float by the moon. following my yes was very different than my cabin-mates' yes, and that was ok.

jonatha brooke doing her thang

-       bop in my seat to performer extraordinaire jonatha brooke’s opening night gig in the playhouse, not caring if anyone thought i was weird, thoroughly enjoying her expressive soul. jonatha rocks!

i made my own journal!

-       tell christine mason miller all about my tendencies to want my book to be orderly, simple, straight,  perfect. “should i follow that tendency or try to break out, break free?” she was kind, gentle, listened with that sincere smile of hers. why not free it up a bit, if only on one page, she replied. gave me a bit of a pep talk. i pasted in photos askew! glued bits of pretty paper all around, working on pages willy nilly. for the grande finale, i pasted on the plain cover the little tag christine gave me at the start of class, in her fun handwriting, which had gotten water spilled on it making the ink run, ASKEW, which said, “you are loved”. and i felt it.

starting to turn

-       divulge to elizabeth, who called me about housing the week before i left, about my journey to see my aunt carol the morning of the first day of squam. she listened wholeheartedly, asked questions, was interested, on a day when she probably had a gazillion other details to wrap for the workshops. on the last morning she was crying in my arms in the dining hall, overwhelmed by the emotion of holding this space for all of us, and in the middle of all that asked me how my visit with carol went. we cried together, a perfect moment.

the lovely sarah ahearn

-       listen deep down, during the opening night meditation, such a nice way to start a week of creativity. helene asked us to take a minute of silence and ask ourselves what our intention was for the week. i waited and listened, didn’t hear anything inside for a long time, thinking nothing would surface in that room full of people. then it did, totally a surprise to me. to embrace my feminine sexual energy. WHAT?! at art camp?! had a great dream that night, the message was clear: allow yourself to receive fully.

my new friend helen from england takes a polaroid

-       ask if i could participate in the squam art fair held on the last night of camp. i had brought a little basket of my photo greeting cards to camp, just in case. i was welcomed to share a table with someone, if space allowed. caryn overheard the conversation and said she would squeeze me in if i couldn’t find another better spot. turned out she didn’t really have space because her gorgeous work overflowed on her table. but right next to her barb did have space and generously offered it to me. so i set myself up on a little piece of her table, selling my cards in public for the very first time.

fallen

-       opened to a man. toward the end of the art fair, a man stopped by the table to chat. he was not in art camp, had been driving across the country and just happened upon this magical place rockywold-deephaven. he was a photographer from california! i was attracted to him (a first in a long time). i remembered my intention for camp and found myself fondling my heart chakra pendant while we chatted. remembered my intention. stood open and receptive. he bought a card, took my business card and said he’d send me one of his photo cards. regardless of what happens with this man, i’m feeling my readiness for a new relationship. 

sittin on the dock of the lake

-       chose this inspiration card in thursday's yoga class: i am willing to change. YES!

  sarah ahearn's sketchbook class

reflecting

yes. magic. and freedom.

angel elizabeth

elizabeth. amazing elizabeth. holding space for us all just to be. safe. free. loved. seen. 

i sent her a soul care package just days before the september squam art workshop began. figured she might need a boost right about then. she loved the buddha print i sent, said she needed it. but i also sent her a brian andreas print called "angel of mercy", which she didn't even mention, characteristically taking the focus away from herself. this print summarizes perfectly elizabeth, who she is for me, who she is for so many. 

 

in case you can't read it, it says:

most people don't know there are angels whose only job is to make sure you don't get too comfortable & fall asleep & miss your life.

thank you elizabeth, for being my angel.

the visit (this courageous life, con't)

hillary and carol, 2010

the moment i pulled up in front of her house, my aunt carol came bounding out and ran toward me, arms outstretched. we hugged, cried, gazed, all of it, so much, so unreal, yet also, somehow, completely real. 

one of the photos of me i had previously sent to carol was displayed happily on the refrigerator, along with a poem about abundance i sent. i felt so welcome by this woman. which is a BIG deal when the whole of my life up to now, i have felt unwelcome and unwanted by my birth family. it is everything to be recognized, seen, wanted. 

we spent five hours talking, sharing, looking at photos and letters, crying, laughing, drinking tea (me) and coffee (carol). she gave me a box full of some of nancy's remaining things: jewelry, monogrammed objects, a watch. are you sure? i kept asking. yes. carol wanted me to have them. what huge generosity of spirit in this little woman. 

i have a new aunt. and a new friend. 

carol sent photos of she and my birthmother nancy. i see quite a resemblance of nancy in me. do you see it, too?

 carol and nancy, 1986


carol, 1955

 

THIS PLACE OF ABUNDANCE

we know nothing until we know everything.

i have no object to defend

for all is of equal value

to me.

i cannot lose anything in this

place of abundance

i found.

if something my heart cherishes

is taken away,

i just say, "lord, what 

happened?"

and a hundred more

appear.

- st catherine of sienna

this courageous life

today is a special day. remember I said there was another part to my trip to new hampshire and the art workshops at squam? well, I’m also going to meet for the very first time my biological aunt.

i already have several aunts, aunt nancy and aunt jinny and aunt joan. these aunts have known me my whole life, been there throughout. I am so fortunate to have these women in my life.

but I have another aunt … aunt carol. I had first contact with her a little over a month ago, wrote her a letter. and she actually called me, leaving the sweetest message i have ever received.  she said she LOVED my letter and that she would LOVE to speak with me. 

you see, I was adopted. at birth. by my family. the only family I have ever known. mom. dad. brother, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents. a truly most excellent life. i have six first cousins, and our grandparents and our aunts and uncles never treated my also adopted brother any differently than  “blood”.

but that’s just it. blood. something in the DNA, deep inside, a longing for connection to the blood line. 

i first started looking for my birthmother over 15 years ago, when i was a photojournalist in southern california. i was covering a women’s golf tournament, there to photograph the winner. i waited and waited at the clubhouse. then they announced her name, the woman I was to photograph: nancy brooks. i froze. that was HER name. the name of my birthmother. 

i was filled with sudden excitement and anxiety. what if it’s HER?  when i saw her, i wondered …. well, we kinda look alike. after photographing her, i mustered up the courage to ask: did you by any chance have a child on march 21, 1961? she did not. it turned out brooks was her husband's name.

but it was then that i realized i wanted to know my birthmother. it came from deep inside. a wanting. my lineage pre-birth was like a black hole of nothingness, and i wanted to find out where i came from, how i got here. life’s existential questions.

so i started the search. had help along the way. when i finally found nancy, she didn’t want to have contact, said it was too painful. once every few years, i’d muster up the courage to write her a letter, asking questions about her, my birth father, health history, any excuse really to have contact. she replied with brief answers, and eventually seemed to warm to the idea of having contact, said maybe she would see me if I ever was in town.

so i made a trip. but she decided she couldn’t go through with it. i, however, could not NOT go through with it. i just had to see her. had to find out what was in that black hole. so i showed up on her doorstep. 

when she answered the door, i didn’t even have to introduce myself. she knew it was me. i was mesmerized. we have the exact same eyes. and I saw where I came from. the black hole was now filled with life.

she had company. stepped outside. said it wasn’t a good time, that maybe we could talk on the phone. i left, completely satisfied.

it turns out her sister, my aunt carol, was the company she had over. and her sister, with whom she shared everything, did not know of my existence. i was the family secret.

a few months ago i found out that nancy had passed away over two years ago. after my shock, I read on. in the online obituary, it mentioned her sister and best friend carol. so again, i eventually mustered the courage to write to carol. and she made what for me was one of the most important calls i have ever received. when i heard her message of love, i burst out crying, both joyous and sorrowful tears, and my hands went straight to my heart. i sat and cried and listened to carol’s message over and over again, my hands on my chest, crying and laughing and allowing my heart to be healed.

carol and i have had many hours-long telephone conversations, full of love and surprise and laughter and tears and love. did i say love? she is so warm and welcoming and loving. She acknowledges how courageous I have been.

tomorrow I will spend half a day with my dear aunt carol.

ready ... set ... squam!

i'm going to squam! 

where?????

squam. don't you just love the sound of it? it almost sounds like a native american placename in oregon. but it's far far away from the pacific northwest.

squam is a lake in upstate new hampshire. since the turn-of-the-century, there have been cabins on this lake, surrounded by forests and fields. the camp is named rockywold-deephaven. don't you just love the sound of that????

and there i will listen to the loons, meet new friends, and soak up the creative ambiance surrounding the squam art workshops. that's what the website says. 

but i know, I KNOW, that it will be all that and much, much more. i've already spoken with the sweet strong soul who created the whole thing, elizabeth maccrellish, and i know these five days will be magic. she certainly is. 

anyway, i'm packing hoodies and hats, all my art materials for my classes (book in a day, make your own journal and sketchbook explorations), printing and scanning and copying photos photos photos, etc etc etc. the house is a disaster, UN DESASTRE!, packing projects and piles all around. which makes me absolutely insane. i have a hard enough time getting out the door (i think it's called "separation anxiety", pretty rough for someone who likes to travel as much as i do!). but as the piles get packed up in neat boxes and bags, the anxiety diffuses like the morning fog. 

and i have another special person i'm seeing right before heading to squam. more on that later.

 

fall: out with the old, in with the new ... website that is!



fall is here, change is in the air. can you feel it? the lazy daze of summer seems long gone. i love summer. love the languidness, the looseness, the sense that these days will go on forever ...

fall brings frenzy. somehow we are tuned in to be just little squirrels, scurrying around, busy busy busy, pulling in the loose ends of summer, tightening up the routine ...

and here at eyechai, it has been a scene of work work work. culminating in a new website!

you see, wordpress has been very good to us. but. they dumped our "theme" (template) and popped in a new one, without even a peep in advance. one morning i woke up to see our site was all screwed up. i guess you get what you pay for. and we were using the free version of wordpress.

clearly it was time for eyechai to step it up, to get a bit more, shall we say, serious!

our new site is hosted by squarespace. we pay for it. so they won't change it on us. and i love squarespace!

tell us what you think of our new digs.

we have many new images up in our shop, as prints and greeting cards.

and the galleries are fun to browse through ... tell us which images you particularly like, or the ones that don't speak to you. any and all feedback is welcome! mostly, it's just so nice to hear from you.

this was the last post on wordpress. hasta la vista, baby!

gal pals (hill)

my gal pals ... what can i say? being with them is like being home in sweatpants, lying on the rug in front of the fireplace listening to jazz. oh yeah, maybe because we do that! but you know ... total comfort and warmth with nostalgia and dreams mixed together in sweet thick living room air.

laura was my freshman roommate in college. we landed in a dreaded "quad" of four, but we loved it. she and i have remained fast friends since then, for 30 years now. she was super smart -- didn't have to study much -- and beautiful, and she was willing to sing into her hairbrush with me.



meg was in a double upstairs from us ... can't even remember how we actually met (though i imagine she remembers). she was sexy and sophisticated -- still is -- and an amazing poet like her mother.

meg stayed at my house and watched my brood for me while i was away last week. laura lives in portland still, but her parents are here in norcal so she comes to visit often. together the three of us reminisce, eat, offer insight, drink, laugh ... i wish we all lived in the same neighborhood!

northern cali and southward home (hill)

road trip days 13-16: norcal coast - home (mill valley)

we finally slowed down the pace. instead of doing 6-8 hours of driving, we did 2 or 3 or 4. got to spend more time walking, shooting and on our starbucks sessions to upload our photos to picture summer. i remembered that i'm insanely in love with meadows. all those little grasses mixed together creating the perfect imaginary playland ... just like when i was a young girl, i imagine i'm thumbelina-sized, walking through the forest of GIANT trees (of knee-high grasses). sublime. even in the presence of a whole herd of elk, i felt the tug to snuggle into the opposite meadow -- sans elk -- but with the most magnificent display of feathery grasses and plants ... grasses, elk, grasses, elk ... for me it was clear ... grasses. but cynthia loved the elk. she wants to be a wildlife photographer in africa when she grows up.







my trusty van waited for us patiently (she finally got a name on this trip: mojo) between the meadows, grasses to the right, elk to the left.



later we found a great campsite on the banks of the klamath river close to its confluence with the pacific. the morning was deliciously foggy (home sweet home). cynthia REALLY wanted to see another bear, and in the morning we heard there had been one the previous evening playing on someone's tent. we must've been making dinner ... sheesh! but rumor had it there was a bear who swam across the river many mornings, so we sat in these chairs and waited, alas no bear.

 


our assignment that day was to photograph "wind".



we eventually wound our way down the avenue of the giants and burst out to the coast above mendocino. the coast! getting closer to home!



no bears but a great hillside of goats.



you old goat! (what do you think they were saying to one another?)



ended up in sonoma for lunch. our assignment that day was "light". this fork photo ended up being featured on the picture summer site! a lovely end to our trip.



cynthia flew back to australia after a few serious days of shopping: aveda, yoga mats, juicy, neoprene wine bags, etc etc etc. she is now officially my special shutter sister. it's hard to believe she just started photographing during our road trip. she has the gift! our last assignment of july was to create a photo garland of all the picture summer photos.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

road trip epilogue:

all in all, we travelled over 3500 miles in 16 days!

we experienced: yosemite granite, a bear, photo galleries, a las vegas show, the inside of a helicopter inside the grand canyon, red rocks at zion, deer, geological history, stone arches, friends, sushi bars, organic grocery stores, rock shops, big skies, campgrounds, sweaty shirts, maps, snacks of blueberries and walnuts and carrots (ate primal -- no gas station junk food -- the whole way), too many gas station restrooms, starbucks in every state, family, lizards, brand new guest beds, poached eggs, microbrewed beer, bbqs, more friends, kids, rivers, dogs (we both missed ours tremendously so had to pet each and every dog we came across), dusty cameras, photoshop, oregon green, an old boyfriend, giant sequoias, goats, the pacific, seals, fine restaurants, finer wine.

and so much of road trips happen inside the car. we talked the entire time. had brought 7 books on tape which we did not even listen to. we had 7 years to catch up on! shared music, stories, tears, the love of photography, laughs, insights. we rekindled a deep friendship. cynthia is 10 years younger than me, and she's like a sister, but not a younger sister. just a sister. i learned so much from her. strength. beauty. generosity. efficiency. love.

portland people (hill)

road trip day 11: salt lake city - portland

i used to live in portland. went to college there. made lots of friends. fell in love. you know ... life. and i love love love to go back and visit. my freshman year college roommate laura and i are still fast friends. she married college sweetheart phil (which i wrote about here). phil is HILARIOUS. and he's the penultimate, loquacious tour guide. of course he took us somewhere that made us all happy ... mcmenamin's edgefield microbrewery and gardens in nearby troutdale for sunday brunch (and i got artsy fartsy with the beer)!



then we had a bbq with more friends ... and all their cute kids ...



next morning, it was goodbye to all the portland people. we headed south to the mckenzie river valley and paradise campground -- which it was -- and the magic of the oregon landscapes ...

the horny toad and the eggs (hill)

road trip day 8: boulder - salt lake city

got to visit my brother and family in their new home just south of salt lake city. a too short but very sweet visit. they are so happy in their new house, even bought new guest beds so cynthia and i could sleep well. i love my family! on their former 3 acres, they didn't ever have to walk the dogs. now that they're in a neighborhood, they walk their dogs just like the rest of us. but not all of us have these views!



and they have other creatures in their yard ...



cynthia taught us all how to poach an egg without a special poacher pan. yum!



national parks, here we come! (hill)

road trip day 4: zion np - moab/arches np

the hot utah desert inspired us to get up early (at "sparrow's fart" in aussie speak) to beat the heat and hike around zion. after just a few days, we realized this was a photo safari, not really a strenuous hiking trip. hiking is great and all, but walking with a photographer's eye slows everything down: walk, stop, shoot, this angle and that, this lens and that, walk back for different angle, until visual satisfaction is felt. walk, stop, you get the picture. not much walking but tons of great photos and the joy that brings. then drive during the hottest part of the day, loving the aircon!, to see 4th of july fireworks over zion.









~~~~~~~~~

road trip day 5: arches np - boulder

arches in the am ...







then, after driving the WRONG WAY for an hour in the am, chatty cathys that we were, making it an 8hr drive instead of a 6hr drive ...

boulder is best! not only is my "sister" artist friend sue there, but she's now married to an awesome aussie man, so he and cynthia could talk aussie all day long without us understanding what they were saying. sure, it's all english, but those aussies, they change it all up and who knows WHAT they're saying! fortunately i can understand sue, even though she speaks a mile a minute ... all that energy cooped up in one being has to come out somehow. love ya sue! we picnic'd, joked through an entire outdoor concert (yeah, we were the annoying ones this time), shopped (boulder is GREAT for shopping), hiked a bit, visited naropa and c.u. so cynthia could see if she wanted to do grad work there (nope), did laundry, and generally had a great time. sue and cynthia think i should live in boulder ...



bear! (hill)



road trip day 1: mill valley - yosemite

less than a mile inside the park entrance, we saw what we came to see ... bear! big black boy bear was napping on a log. our new friend volunteer yosemite ranger bob told us more than we needed to know about black bears -- most appear brown -- and said his main job in the park was moving traffic along during frequent "bearjams". later in the early evening, we saw the same big boy in a meadow, supping. fortunately, none supped on us during the night!

day 2: yosemite - las vegas

blown away by cirque de soleil show ... this time, "ka". HIGHLY RECOMMENDED!

road trip day 3: las vegas - grand canyon - zion np, utah






think grand! north rim grand canyon, 7th wonder of the world. heli tour. yeah.

road trip! (hill)

when i was younger, i wanted to do a stint in the peace corps and i wanted to work at club med. big plans. well,  i did work at club med lindeman island on an exclusive island inside the great barrier reef in queensland, australia. (does this mean i'm shallow?) miracle of miracles ... somehow, i wrangled myself into a job as a tennis instructor. i hope you can imagine the goodness of an experience like this ... champagne at sunset on the 8th hole of the golf course overlooking the blue blue water,

running on the wooded trails unsettling swarms of butterflies, being silly (it's in the job description) to get the guests to cast off their city-selves and loosen up ... the list goes on. we did work insane hours keeping the gms happy ... it was like hosting a 6-month-long barbeque.

the best thing that came from my time there was cynthia brown. she's part of a well-known wine-growing family outside melbourne, she had a serious job in the village in the human resources office, and she was my roommate. besides the wine she generously shared with me, and her willingness to have double slumber parties (don't let your imagination get too carried away!), she was a wonderful roommate and we've been friends ever since.

well guess who's coming to road trip with me ... cynthia!

we're taking the vw van for a spin on july 1 (to see my 2003 spin, see escape artistry). destination: yosemite, las vegas, grand canyon, zion np, moab, boulder, salt lake city, portland, oregon and california coasts, and everything in between. all in 16 days. whew!

cynthia has been wanting to take up photography, so she's now well-equipped and ready to rumble. our road trip may be a photo safari of sorts. we've both signed up to participate in picture summer and will be learning more about photography and sharing our images along the way. how are you picturing your summer?



internet access depending, i will be blogging in periodically ... stay tuned!

expect a miracle (hill)



i'm feeling nostalgic. this week last year, i was on my way to france and spain to work on a movie. i wasn't the cinematographer, nor the director, nor the writer ... though i did have a tiny part as the lady in the tourist bureau until the actual lady got her courage up to be on camera. a star was NOT born. no, my main job as "scripty" was to sit on on a little stool in the prime real estate between the director and the cinematographer and tell the actors when they fluffed a line. (the mostly english cast and crew say "fluffed" instead of "flubbed" ... so much nicer to the ear ... and to the ego of the actor, i imagine!)



i was also the "continuity girl", making sure each actor spoke and gestured exactly the same way during each take in a scene ... a very tricky job requiring keen concentration. no being distracted by the handsome spanish farmer or the hot spanish sun. or ... the hot spanish farmer or the handsome spanish son!



oh, and i also did the still photography for the film's advertising.

it's a herculean effort, making a movie. i worked so hard, such long hours, and yet i still feel that i didn't work hard enough. i was jetlagged, then exhausted. but i didn't work nearly as hard as the folks who made this movie happen.



these english people, the atkins family, worked their fannies off (they definitely wouldn't say "fannies") making a film, as a family! the dad joe directed. the mom manny produced and was the lead actor. the youngest children beth and arthur also acted. the older sons harry and luc did the sound and music. these are some mighty talented and hardworking folks. their actor friends came to round out the cast and two french interns filled out the crew.



the film takes place along the chemin de st jacques in france and the camino de santiago in spain. the coolest thing for me was that i walked with miss daisey along the french part of this pilgrimage trail last april ... then in july i got to actually go to the pilgrimage end point of santiago with the film! pilgrims expect miracles ...

six months earlier while surfing the internet one evening, i had bumped into the atkins blog about their travels in a bus around europe and left a comment. manny wrote me back. we became friends via email, she invited me to stay with them on the way to my pilgrimage. and i offered to help with the film, and so i did. a miracle if you ask me!



one of the biggest blessings of working on this film was to meet the atkins and their friends. who just decides to make a movie and then goes and does it? the atkins do! they reminded me that anything is possible, absolutely anything, if you put enough head, heart and will into it.









 




the next biggest blessing was that i reignited my love affair with photography. not in the job description, i found myself making lots of behind the scenes photographs. so many beautiful places, and beautiful people to photograph! when i returned home, i decided not to go to grad school in psychology as i had planned, but to start a greeting card company using my photos, which will branch out into photos on canvas this fall.

another miracle, really. i found myself on that pilgrimage trail. not while hiking, but while filming "heaven."

the greatest miracle of all is that the film if you ever get to heaven is complete! and will be screened in england july 20. i will be here in the usa road tripping with my aussie friend around the western states ... so i'll have to catch the next screening, perhaps at the mill valley film festival! if you're lucky, it will be coming to a theater near you, too.

world cup fever forever ... (hill)

back in the day ... 1994 fifa world cup usa, pasadena, ca ... someday let me tell you the story of how i got this final moment photo ...



this was easier ...



this was the fun part! sitting right next to a sports illustrated photographer ...

pansies, a tale of metamorphosis (hill)

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i keep telling myself to STOP photographing flowers! stop it! it seems their colorful faces are all i see these days. i head out walking miss daisey around the neighborhood, camera in tow, and i say "no flowers today." i try, i do. i try to find fences or architecture or sky or signposts or chairs or something, anything other than flowers. but their colors and delicateness keep luring me back!

funny, i used to be a damn competitive, swashbuckling photojournalist. and i used to think that photographers who photographed flowers were pansies! i used to photograph politicians and world cup soccer and wildfires and gang members and city council meetings and crime scenes and the grand prix and dead bodies and once in a rare while a sunset. DEFINITELY NOT FLOWERS. i was 25, and even 35, and i loved it all! some scenes were horrible, blood and brains splattered on the sidewalk -- now it churns my stomach to even write those words -- but it was so exciting and different every day.

these days, you won't catch me anywhere near the news. i'm allergic. don't watch it, don't read it, don't want any part of it. i hear about the big things in conversations or from oprah! oil spill? earthquake? stockmarket? today i'm happy to say that i am a peaceful ostrich.

so now i photograph flowers, which brings me tranquility and wonder at the amazing, mystical world of mother nature. and it's exciting and different every day.

oh, and i did photograph some faces of friends recently, just to change it up a bit.









do you have any suggestions of gentle, beautiful photographic subjects that i could add to my repertoire? would love to hear your ideas ...