five things to love

 

chile love: the chilean miners are safe and sound above ground! and the whole world cared!

adya love: today is the LAST DAY to register for a 2011 retreat with adyashanti (my teacher). pure truth and love. no bs allowed. 

chicken love: wow chicken temple in portland, designed by the wow multi-talented lubosh cech.

l'amour: fall into the haute-loire, france, with my pal manny and her beautiful daughter beth.

chakra love: had to get one of these divine heart chakra pendants by tulku. helping me keep my heart open. (even made the cute checkout guys at whole foods stop and stare.)

 

wisdom words: abundance

 

i know something about abundance today. 

yesterday, i was honored to have my guest blog post appear on shuttersisters.com

shuttersisters is the best place out there there for people who want to learn and grow and share, about photography and about Life. every day when i browse around shuttersisters, i learn something new, see a different perspective, am inspired.

thank you to the official "shuttersisters sisters" for calling me an "honorary sister", and to all shutter sisters everywhere, for being my tribe. i am abundantly blessed to have found you, and look forward to much, much more.

monday memories / RTW trip: harmony & balance

while i have my around-the-world photos out from their usual home in the garage, i think i’ll continue telling some more stories from that adventure ...

we started our around-the-world tour in october 1990, leaving from our home in portland and flying waaaaaay across the pacific to taiwan, our first stop. i had a friend living there at the time who was waiting for us at the airport. and waiting, and waiting, and waiting. we had decided only a month before to take this grand tour, talk about impulsive (me, not curt)! and in our frantic preparations to start our journey, we (probably my idea, again) had neglected to get visas for taiwan. oops! and in that ancient time before cell phones, there was nary a thing we could do, quarantined in the holding area, to alert my friend. so onward we ventured on the next leg of our flight to singapore. 

singapore is a great place to start an asian adventure, easing in to the east. except that in those days, i didn’t know the slightest thing about “easing.” after our god-knows-how-many-hours-long flights, jet lag, gooey humidity, foreign beds ... i brilliantly decided to go for a run our first morning there while curt, sensible guy that he is, slept in and then waited for me at breakfast.

i ran out the front door of the ywca hostel along a road through a tropical forest, with ENORMOUS green leaves and jungle bird sounds, marveling at the exotic all around me. returned dripping in sweat, stopping at the payphone outside the entrance to call home and tell mom we had arrived safely. mom was a big talker (understatement of the century) and wanted to know all about everything. but midway through our conversation, i started feeling dizzy, and then nauseous. not wanting to worry my mom, i abruptly said i had to go, but she had no intention of ending the conversation just yet. mom, i really have to go, i don’t feel well. mom. i. have. to ...

the first thing i saw was the phone receiver dangling from its cord three feet above my face. i took in the sky, the leaves, the birds ... from the ground where i lay. i roused myself, dirt and dust sticking to my sweaty legs, arms, shirt and shorts. found curt in the dining room. curt, i fainted! he made me drink litres of water, fed me some toast. i guess all the air travel, dehydration, running, and sweating had gotten the best of me. mind you, i am not a fainter. have the constitution of a bull. but i fainted on the first morning of our big adventure. was it an omen of things to come? 

singapore was eye-opening and fun, a strange shoppers paradise, full of multi-story shopping malls. we bought a little shortwave radio and stocked up on the items we had forgotten at home. enjoyed the best indian food of our whole trip (including the time we spent in india) in the “little india” section of the city. yum! and we booked our boat trip to jakarta. no more planes for us. the budget-travel had begun.

excruciating pretty much sums up our three-day boat trip. the sleeping berths were packed with people and the stench of sea-sick vomit. we opted to stay outside on deck, along with the other budget travellers. we slept in our brand new sleeping bags on a dirty wooden deck for two nights and sat, stood, and walked on the deck for three nightmarish, long days. our time was punctuated by vendors who’d come out to sell food, but the only thing that seemed palatable to us was crackers. and the other  budget travellers? many of them were the uber-long-term-traveller-types and had gone to singapore to get medical attention for their various ailments. one guy had a bandaged ear from some weird infection. one a bandaged foot from a wound that wouldn’t heal in the moist tropical air. and more bandaged body parts paraded on deck. many of them didn’t seem like they’d washed their clothes or hair any time recently. curt and i stayed to ourselves and ate our crackers, quiet and sobered from this scene. what had we (me, again, the whole dang trip was my idea) gotten ourselves into? 

finally debarked in jakarta, off that godforsaken boat, and straight into dante’s inferno mixed in with the biggest slum and garbage dump imaginable (we hadn’t yet been to india). resilience is key on this kind of trip. we found a decent little place to stay for one night, and tickets for yet another (one day, not so bad) boat and bus to bali. 

needless to say, our trip didn’t start out as well as we’d imagined.

but bali? bali. oh bali. sweet, sweet bali.

bali was exactly what i’d imagined, only better.  we’d planned on staying three weeks in the artists village of ubud, in the mountains in the middle of the island. surrounded by terraced rice paddies, jungles, walking paths, bicycles for rent, delicious food, friendly bars, gentle people. we found a lovely and super cheap place to stay where our breakfast of tea and papaya and banana was delivered to our doorstep each morning, along with a little leaf tray holding a few grains of rice, flowers, and incense to keep the bad spirits away. we were grateful for this offering, after the journey we had taken to get there. we were in some serious need of peace and safety and serenity. 

apparently there had been a large local gathering right before our arrivel, kicking off a month-long ceremony at ubud's temple. sitting in a pretty ravine along the river at end of the main road, the open-air temple made of bamboo and flags hosted a slew of activity. every day we saw the balinese carrying trays of fruit piled high as they made their way to the temple to make offerings to the gods. and every evening, the temple gamelan rang through the jungle. at first the gamelan sounded like a lot of clanging iron; but over the weeks, it grew on me. i eventually found deep appreciation for this heavenly music.

we rented bikes and rode through the fields. we took in a shadow puppet play. made some friends. saw art. bought sarongs. went swimming. curt learned the art of balancing a papaya on his head, making the local women giggle (later in our travels we learned that only balinese women balance things on their heads). walking. eating. drinking. so peaceful. now this is how travelling is supposed to be! 

and we found better and better places to stay, closer and closer to the temple. our last place was the best, in the middle of the jungle just above the temple, complete with outdoor bathroom (walls but no ceiling!) and one daily lizard poop (the first few days we thought it was an olive pit ... weird, how did that get there?) delivered smack dab in the middle of our bed (no doubt a protest for invading his space). we spent each night falling asleep to the sacred gamelan and balinese prayers.

just before leaving ubud, we heard the month-long ceremony would close the following weekend with a procession through the village. and the reason behind the ceremonies? the balinese from ubud and neighboring villages intended to restore balance and harmony in the world (at least that was the gist as we understood it). we decided to stay another week. could use a good dose of harmony and balance before heading on to god-knows-what, god-knows-where.

perched in an open-air bar alongside the road, cold beer in hand (it was probably too early for beer, but what the heck, it was like a parade, bali-style!) we gazed at the orderly procession of color and costume and platters and platters of tropical fruit and flower offerings. first came the giant puppet, then the little boys, then the little girls, then the older boys, then the older girls, then the men, then the women ... each group wearing matching outfits. elegant. serene. festive. pious. simply gorgeous. all culminating in a grand ceremony at the temple.

did they restore harmony and balance to the world? they certainly did to my world. we spent our last night, after cleaning the “olive pit” off the bed, slumbering to the magical gamelan sounds.

 and we left the very next day.

 ~~~~~

lessons learned: research visas! don’t go running after flying! gamelan is beautiful, once you get the hang of it. always seek harmony and balance.

+++++

ever since the eat pray love phenomenon, bali has become THE destination for 30- and 40-something single women looking for love. i read an article about the new ubud, where the author saw a sign on a cash register which read: “eat pray leave.” i think they might need to hold another "harmony and balance" ceremony!

listen up! less yang. more yin.

i cried on my yoga mat today.

first day of 30 days of yoga with marianne elliot. starting a home yoga practice. even though i signed up for a monthly membership at the local studio (they were having a deal on memberships … not much of a “deal” when you’re paying but not going). maybe this home practice will be the thing for me. i probably wouldn’t have let myself cry in a class full of people … or maybe i would have. i’m all for crying, have no problem with it. crying is just a release of energy, right?

so yeah, i cried. at the end of the almost hour-long practice. in savasana. first thing in the morning.

lying on my mat, i could hear from deep inside my body -- or my inner voice, or my soul – actually being grateful, saying: finally! you’re doing something for me! taking care of me. paying attention to me and to what I need.

sure, exercise has been spotty-at-best, of late. but it wasn’t just about moving my body. it was deeper than that. 

little tears at first, welling up. i listened to my little voice, alongside marianne’s lovely, soothing, new-zealand-accented voice.

upon marianne's suggestion and wanting to take even more care of my Self, i placed a pillow under my knees and drew my (much neglected) meditation blanket over my body. savasana. full stop. total relax. that’s when the tears spilled over my eye sockets and down the side of my face. not sobbing, just tears flowing for a bit. my trusty four-legged companion daisey came over to lick my eyes … she hasn’t learned how to bring kleenex yet.

that little voice inside is so hard for me to hear most of the time.

this time, i even talked to her. please help me to hear you better. please speak to me more loudly! please help me learn how to take better care of you. please please please.

i’m pretty rotten at relaxing. i wrote to my friend manny the other day that i’ve always wanted to be a bon vivant (bonne vivante?). good at  -- what elizabeth gilbert readily pointed out in eat pray love – that italianesque ease of “dolce far niente." the sweetness of doing nothing. but in reality, i’m no good at it. i relax the four days of thanksgiving. and when i’m sick in bed (so i don’t mind at all when i get sick, which is rarely). i have the constitution of a bull.

but this getting older thing requires gentleness. not bullishness. less yang. more yin.

i had a notecard by renée locks on my refrigerator for the longest time before the annual january fridge door cleanse. it read, “what people really need is a good listening to.” listened to. seen. heard. and i really try my best to do that for other people. have been acknowledged for being a good listener. 

may i now translate this for myself: what i really need is a good listening to. by me. 

hello hillary, can you hear me? 

she came. she conquered. she went.

dona. bella dona.

photographer. mother. lover.

artist. philosopher. poet.

warrior. worker. chef. 

the dusty white van with new mexico plates pulled up, cowboy boots spilling onto the sidewalk. she's heeeeee-er! 

set up booth. eat. sleep. set up booth some more. coffee. talk. charm. flirt. sell. eat. drink. sleep.

more coffee. more flirting. more selling. more eating and drinking. take down booth. bathe. eat. drink. sleep. 

drive for two days ... home. rest. repeat. 

the life of an artist is NOT EASY! 

i remember when, years ago, dona told me she couldn't NOT do photography. she HAS TO. to me, she is a real artist, the real macoy. she just has to express herself in this medium, and share her vision with the world. and she works like a dog -- fortunately at the thing she loves most -- so she can send her son to private school, has for 10 years.  

dona was here for the mill valley art festival this weekend. showed her stunning photography, mostly horses and nudes. each piece printed in her dreamy style, b/w, sepiatoned and/or hand colored. and framed by hand! each unique piece receives a unique frame -- either an old window or an antique frame, fixed up then distressed or painted then distressed some more. people love her frames as much as they love her photography. so much work goes into them. many artfest-goers took home an original dona piece. the festival was a success!

last month i was in santa fe helping dona set up/break down her booth for the huge annual indian market. she needs extra help these days. you see, her partner of 10 years passed over in january. he was her rock, and now he is gone. the grief process is hard enough without having to heft tents and panels and giant framed pictures and tables and all, preparing for a show. or maybe the grief process is easier, physical work releasing energy that needs to move in order to go on. either way, it's too hard to do it all on her own. (and time does heal the heart. she's balancing better these days.)

ruminating around her artful space, i made pictures of the things i saw. some are her photographs, some are photographs of her, some are photographs of others’ she has hanging around. 

as you can probably tell, i love this woman, this friend of mine. we have knows each other since our florida days ... she was working as a photo lab tech at the palm beach post where i had my second internship as a photojournalist. we hit it off. instant friends forever. soul sisters.

she was an emerging photographer and i helped her get her first photography job at the newspaper where my roommate was the photo editor, the palm beach daily news. and she was off and running. look at her now!

this courageous life

today is a special day. remember I said there was another part to my trip to new hampshire and the art workshops at squam? well, I’m also going to meet for the very first time my biological aunt.

i already have several aunts, aunt nancy and aunt jinny and aunt joan. these aunts have known me my whole life, been there throughout. I am so fortunate to have these women in my life.

but I have another aunt … aunt carol. I had first contact with her a little over a month ago, wrote her a letter. and she actually called me, leaving the sweetest message i have ever received.  she said she LOVED my letter and that she would LOVE to speak with me. 

you see, I was adopted. at birth. by my family. the only family I have ever known. mom. dad. brother, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents. a truly most excellent life. i have six first cousins, and our grandparents and our aunts and uncles never treated my also adopted brother any differently than  “blood”.

but that’s just it. blood. something in the DNA, deep inside, a longing for connection to the blood line. 

i first started looking for my birthmother over 15 years ago, when i was a photojournalist in southern california. i was covering a women’s golf tournament, there to photograph the winner. i waited and waited at the clubhouse. then they announced her name, the woman I was to photograph: nancy brooks. i froze. that was HER name. the name of my birthmother. 

i was filled with sudden excitement and anxiety. what if it’s HER?  when i saw her, i wondered …. well, we kinda look alike. after photographing her, i mustered up the courage to ask: did you by any chance have a child on march 21, 1961? she did not. it turned out brooks was her husband's name.

but it was then that i realized i wanted to know my birthmother. it came from deep inside. a wanting. my lineage pre-birth was like a black hole of nothingness, and i wanted to find out where i came from, how i got here. life’s existential questions.

so i started the search. had help along the way. when i finally found nancy, she didn’t want to have contact, said it was too painful. once every few years, i’d muster up the courage to write her a letter, asking questions about her, my birth father, health history, any excuse really to have contact. she replied with brief answers, and eventually seemed to warm to the idea of having contact, said maybe she would see me if I ever was in town.

so i made a trip. but she decided she couldn’t go through with it. i, however, could not NOT go through with it. i just had to see her. had to find out what was in that black hole. so i showed up on her doorstep. 

when she answered the door, i didn’t even have to introduce myself. she knew it was me. i was mesmerized. we have the exact same eyes. and I saw where I came from. the black hole was now filled with life.

she had company. stepped outside. said it wasn’t a good time, that maybe we could talk on the phone. i left, completely satisfied.

it turns out her sister, my aunt carol, was the company she had over. and her sister, with whom she shared everything, did not know of my existence. i was the family secret.

a few months ago i found out that nancy had passed away over two years ago. after my shock, I read on. in the online obituary, it mentioned her sister and best friend carol. so again, i eventually mustered the courage to write to carol. and she made what for me was one of the most important calls i have ever received. when i heard her message of love, i burst out crying, both joyous and sorrowful tears, and my hands went straight to my heart. i sat and cried and listened to carol’s message over and over again, my hands on my chest, crying and laughing and allowing my heart to be healed.

carol and i have had many hours-long telephone conversations, full of love and surprise and laughter and tears and love. did i say love? she is so warm and welcoming and loving. She acknowledges how courageous I have been.

tomorrow I will spend half a day with my dear aunt carol.

expect a miracle (hill)



i'm feeling nostalgic. this week last year, i was on my way to france and spain to work on a movie. i wasn't the cinematographer, nor the director, nor the writer ... though i did have a tiny part as the lady in the tourist bureau until the actual lady got her courage up to be on camera. a star was NOT born. no, my main job as "scripty" was to sit on on a little stool in the prime real estate between the director and the cinematographer and tell the actors when they fluffed a line. (the mostly english cast and crew say "fluffed" instead of "flubbed" ... so much nicer to the ear ... and to the ego of the actor, i imagine!)



i was also the "continuity girl", making sure each actor spoke and gestured exactly the same way during each take in a scene ... a very tricky job requiring keen concentration. no being distracted by the handsome spanish farmer or the hot spanish sun. or ... the hot spanish farmer or the handsome spanish son!



oh, and i also did the still photography for the film's advertising.

it's a herculean effort, making a movie. i worked so hard, such long hours, and yet i still feel that i didn't work hard enough. i was jetlagged, then exhausted. but i didn't work nearly as hard as the folks who made this movie happen.



these english people, the atkins family, worked their fannies off (they definitely wouldn't say "fannies") making a film, as a family! the dad joe directed. the mom manny produced and was the lead actor. the youngest children beth and arthur also acted. the older sons harry and luc did the sound and music. these are some mighty talented and hardworking folks. their actor friends came to round out the cast and two french interns filled out the crew.



the film takes place along the chemin de st jacques in france and the camino de santiago in spain. the coolest thing for me was that i walked with miss daisey along the french part of this pilgrimage trail last april ... then in july i got to actually go to the pilgrimage end point of santiago with the film! pilgrims expect miracles ...

six months earlier while surfing the internet one evening, i had bumped into the atkins blog about their travels in a bus around europe and left a comment. manny wrote me back. we became friends via email, she invited me to stay with them on the way to my pilgrimage. and i offered to help with the film, and so i did. a miracle if you ask me!



one of the biggest blessings of working on this film was to meet the atkins and their friends. who just decides to make a movie and then goes and does it? the atkins do! they reminded me that anything is possible, absolutely anything, if you put enough head, heart and will into it.









 




the next biggest blessing was that i reignited my love affair with photography. not in the job description, i found myself making lots of behind the scenes photographs. so many beautiful places, and beautiful people to photograph! when i returned home, i decided not to go to grad school in psychology as i had planned, but to start a greeting card company using my photos, which will branch out into photos on canvas this fall.

another miracle, really. i found myself on that pilgrimage trail. not while hiking, but while filming "heaven."

the greatest miracle of all is that the film if you ever get to heaven is complete! and will be screened in england july 20. i will be here in the usa road tripping with my aussie friend around the western states ... so i'll have to catch the next screening, perhaps at the mill valley film festival! if you're lucky, it will be coming to a theater near you, too.

i dream of jamie (hill)



yesterday i was feeling playful and posted on facebook "i kinda have a big crush on jamie oliver." i just LOVE him. he's bold, brazen, hardworking, charismatic, funny, making a difference, down to earth, and cute! lo and behold, jamie visited me in my dream last night ...

in my dream, i met jamie on the side of the road -- i was a new crew member or something. we met and he *saw* me, avatar style. as in, his essence saw my essence. his strength saw my strength. his vulnerability saw my vulnerability. his courage saw my courage. his heart saw my heart. i rode in his car for awhile and we got to know each other, joking and jabbering away to the next shoot. "i'll see you later," he said. later in the hotel lobby, we met and walked in the garden for hours. talked, laughed, played tag and teased like kids. he asked me how old i was, and i said, "i'm 29 ... and 18 ... and 7 ... and 45 ... and 98." he got it. and we just looked in each other's eyes, no need for words.

next day i rode my beach cruiser to his event at a swimming pool. i was early (in real life i'm never early). ran into his daughter's friend who loaned me his daughter's bikini, and somehow i looked great in it (the beauty of the dreamworld)! my entrance into the pool was from the high dive, an expansive swan dive ending with a tuck and a flip and a half with a graceful splash. (i was actually a child high diver ... a coach wanted to train me for the olympics until ear trouble became serious.) i swam and i swam, then jamie jumped in. swimming with jamie was like swimming with the dolphins, sheer joy.

in my dream we remained fast friends for a very long time because we really *saw* each other, listened to each other, and loved each other truly.

if it's true that all the characters in one's dream are the dreamer (psychology term = projection), then the message i take from this dream is to draw upon my "inner jamie oliver," the parts of myself that jamie represents to me: strength, capabilities, humor, wisdom, courage, will, charisma, boldness, gifts ...

thank you jamie, for all that you are, and for being my dreamtime friend. (ps - i'm eating my veggies!)

~~

btw, jamie won the one and only 2010 TED award. visionary, bold, inspiring. see him here:

http://www.ted.com/talks/jamie_oliver.html

http://www.jamieoliver.com/campaigns/jamies-food-revolution

gratitude (hill)



thank you to all who have ordered *eyechai* card sets and prints.


thank you to all who have been reading our *eyechai* blog.


thank you to all who like our *eyechai* page on facebook.


thank you to all who have browsed our *eyechai* bigcartel shop.


thank you to all who have posted a comment on our *eyechai* blog.


thank you to all who have written on our *eyechai* facebook wall.


thank you to all of those who have yet to do any of these things.


thank you universe!


***********


i am grateful to have something beautiful to share with the world.


(the card bundles above are traveling all the way to israel.)


***********


how do you spread beauty and love out into the world?





Desire (Meg)



Lips so sweet and tender, like petals falling apart
-Bob Wills

Buddha said that to stop suffering all we need to do is stop desiring, but after 20 years of marriage, I'm not sure I agree with him. It seems to me that in many ways I suffer less when I desire. I'm pretty sure Chris suffers less too! But actually, I don't mean sexual desire necessarily, and I don't mean the "I saw it in Vanity Fair and I desire it" type of desire, but the desire and appetite for life that makes everything take on a special color, flavor and emotion. I remember my grandmother Marion, toward the end of her life, talking about how difficult it was to eat without any appetite. And I know that depression, for me, is a complete lack of engagement with the world around me, which seems to stem from lack of appetite for the things the world offers.

Michael Pollan, in his book, The Botany of Desire, has another take on desire, which I find mind-bending. He says that if you turn your head a certain way it's possible to see that plants are controlling us through our desire for beauty. Fruits and flowers are their way of enticing us to move them around, out of their initial habitat, and to contribute to a plant's spread around the world. Like women in a harem, whose choices were so supremely limited that they developed extreme manipulative techniques, plants, which can not move themselves, have enslaved us to their beauty. In other words, they've achieved world domination by being desirable to humans.

So here's to desire, and thank God for botany!

i am your valentine (hill)



i think st francis of assisi's prayer is especially meaningful today, valentine's day. especially the part about loving rather than being loved. we often think we want/need to be loved, admired, heard, understood, etc. and we expect others to "give" these things to us, and we are disappointed when they don't. we don't always leave people free to do or not do these things, and often manipulate them into making us feel better. i'm trying to do less expecting and more feeling love/d all by myself, thus allowing other people be FREE to LOVE and understand me, or not. i can choose to love and understand others regardless of what they choose to do. grant that i may not so much seek to be loved as to love. let me ask not "will you be my valentine?" instead, let me say, "I am your valentine."

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace;
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, your pardon Lord;
and where there's doubt, true faith in you;
O Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
~ st francis of assisi

i am love (hill)

JOURNEY HOME

The time that my journey takes is long and the way of it long.

I came out on the chariot of the first gleam of light, and pursued my
voyage through the wildernesses of worlds leaving my track on many a star and planet.

It is the most distant course that comes nearest to thyself,
and that training is the most intricate which leads to the utter simplicity of a tune.

The traveler has to knock at every alien door to come to his own,
and one has to wander through all the outer worlds to reach the innermost shrine at the end.

My eyes strayed far and wide before I shut them and said `Here art thou!'

The question and the cry `Oh, where?' melt into tears of a thousand
streams and deluge the world with the flood of the assurance `I am!'

~ Rabindranath Tagore



so while i have been venturing about here and there and everywhere -- travelling; holed up in my house; starting a business; stopping a business; meditating; on the kitchen floor; india x3; etc etc etc -- i have much more of a sense of my inner Self. and along the way i rediscovered photography, my lifetime love that i abandoned 13 years ago when i left my job as a photojournalist and when my dad married a photographer. i didn't want to compete anymore ... with other photojournalists, nor with my stepmother. so i stopped. this summer i started again, working on a film set in france and spain, and am officially in love again. happy valentine's day!