grounded. and lifted.

as you know, daisey and i were off to utah for thanksgiving. that is, until we weren't. 

all packed up and bundled up (daisey with her new pink sweater and down coat to brave the utah piddle breaks), we settled into one of those fancy black cars to the airport (since daisey isn't allowed on the airporter shuttle bus), well early to accommodate the tuesday-before-thanksgiving holiday crush. gliding up the swooping offramp to SFO, i reached in my wallet to pay the guy, and realized, "i don't have my driver's license!" 

now we all know we need a government-issued photo ID to fly. (i had lost my wallet, and had applied for a new license, but only had the temporary photo-less paper from the DMV). so i made a quick decision ... instead of going into the airport and spending my precious time finding out if they'd let me through security, i asked the driver if he would take us back to my house to get my passport and back again to the airport ... maybe i could still make my flight. he turned the car around and we raced home. i must've told him at least three times, "i know exactly where my passport is." his driving pleased me. he drove as i would have driven. he executed smart lane changes to make the best time possible, and we would still -- maybe -- make the flight.

this kind of thing used to send my adrenaline soaring. and i loved it. adrenaline was my fuel. happened often as a photojournalist. insanely desperately racing to get to an assignment, to a news scene, to a last minute flight ... this time, i was relatively calm, with floods of adrenaline rising through my body, followed by ebbs of the attitude: i'll make it if i make it. 

pulled up and dashed into the house to my trusty filing cabinet to the file marked: BIRTH CERTIFICATE /PASSPORT ... but no current passport (only expired ones). whaaaaat? where IS it? i looked high and low, upstairs downstairs, in all the other files, in my other filing cabinets, the clock ticking. i looked and looked, and 20 minutes into the search, i knew. i wasn't going to make this flight. i was grounded.

for a moment, that other flood rose upward in my system, the surge that brings on tears. i could feel it coming, to right up behind my eyes. i wasn't going to get to go to utah to be with my brother and my sister-in-law and my nephews for thanksgiving. my parents aren't here anymore. i was going to be ALONE for the most important holiday of the year. ALL ALONE. 

and then, as suddenly as the surge started, it diminished, ebbed. no flood here. no tears. ok. i'm not going to utah. i'm staying right here. 

told the driver what happened, paid him for all his good driving and kindness, dragged my bags back into the house, made calls cancelling catsitters, and called my brother. grounded.

the reality set in that i was home -- not in utah -- for this four-day holiday. nothing but time and space. got invited to several thanksgiving dinners. made plans to see friends. all was well.

i had heard for so long from all the great spiritual teachers of our time -- eckhart tolle, byron katie, and my teacher adyashanti -- (and jesus and buddha probably said it, too) that whenever you argue with reality, when you want something other that what is actually happening ... you create your own suffering. if i wanted to be in utah but wasn't in utah, then i would suffer, i would be sad and mad and frustrated. this time, i didn't even have to try to tame my mind. none of those thoughts came, thoughts of being a victim of the circumstances, nor did the self-critical thoughts that usually come, like "how could you be so stupid to let this happen?" i was miraculously ok with being grounded. weird. 

this whole thing is very weird, i thought. i'm usually so organized. i'm not at all flakey. there must be a reason why this is happening ... so i headed up to my meditation room and sat, asking "why am i not going to utah for thanksgiving? what is this all about?" and clearly *got* that it was about aloneness. 

this aloneness thing has been a real bugaboo for me. makes me incredibly sad and makes me anxious. and at times, i'll do anything to not feel that aloneness. eat too much. go to the movies in a tizzy. work till all hours of the night. just to not feel alone and lonely. my therapist says that everyone feels alone, even people in happy, stable relationships for 50 years. so it's not just about being single and living alone. huh?

wednesday i got up and went to meditate straight away. this is the best way for me to start the day, to meditate before my mind gets distracted by everything else. but i admit it happens rarely. i often get distracted the moment i open my eyes.

so. i meditated. and asked the Universe (or God, Spirit, Truth, Life, Higher Power, Christ, Buddha, Allah, Whatever-you-want-to-call-it) two things. the first thing i can't remember. the second thing i asked was: "please show me what it is i need to learn or see about aloneness." i have learned to just put the question out there, and wait for a response. so finished up. then yoga. then hopped in the car and pulled out heading to a nearby trailhead for a run. but i wasn't paying attention and hit the car parked across the street from my driveway. 

now one might think i'd really lose it here. i thought i'd lose it. this is the kind of thing that usually really spins me out, and makes that critical voice inside my head into a monster. the flood of adrenaline/crying/criticism started to rise, then just stopped, ebbed back to calm. go inside, write a note, leave it on the dashboard, and drive to the trailhead. which is exactly what i did. no drama. i hit a car. all is well. all will be repaired. that's what insurance is for. calm. 

whaaaaaat? no drama? NO CREATING MY OWN SUFFERING? ... no. i didn't even have to try. didn't have to wrangle my monkey mind. peace just came. 

the day started out perfectly with meditation/yoga/run and just sailed on all day. the car owner came to the door later, we exchanged information, she was completely chill. no drama. the whole thing was kind of surreal. 

i was a little concerned about the wednesday evening before the thanksgiving holiday. it's like a friday night on steroids. A VERY IMPORTANT EVE. and i'm often a mess on friday nights. everyone racing home to their loved ones to go have a super duper duper fun weekend. and i'm often alone. so i was trying to be careful about how i was going to spend my thanksgiving eve. 

i had planned on taking take daisey to sausalito in the late afternoon. but i waffled, didn't seem like the right place to go. couldn't make up my mind. what about muir beach? what about tiburon? what about the dog park? i actually sat down on my bathroom floor and shut my eyes, trying to get where it was we were to go, where was the right place to go? (i've been trying to live more by intuition lately, and it works when i can hear it). finally i got we were going to tiburon, and off we went. 

the waterfront in tiburon is daisey's favorite. she can romp off-leash on the lush grass with all the other little doggies. and it's beautiful for me, too, looking out over the bay towards angel island, the golden gate bridge and san francisco beyond. and it's oh so familiar, having grown up in belvedere-tiburon. 

but i had some trepidation. worried i'd be upset seeing all the families together.

it was a magnificent afternoon, clear and crisp. daisey romped. shortly along the path, i saw up ahead a big family coming toward me. multiple generations, all strolling together in a pack. a small flood rose in me, then ebbed. i saw an older gentleman in a wheelchair being pushed by his strapping grandson. more women, men and children, chitterchattering away. but when i looked in the eyes of that older gentleman, who didn't look particularly lonely, something in his eyes told me he felt alone. 

a flash of insight struck me: we are all alone. each and every one of us. no matter what our outer circumstances. no matter if we have people all around us or not. we are born alone and we die alone. and that being alone is painful and that we all carry that pain. it is part of the human condition, and thus connects us all, making us all the same. all-one. alone. and yet truly connected. 

this realization gave me deep compassion and LOVE for that gentleman. and for myself, and for that whole chitterchattering family. and for everyone who came along my path that afternoon. and for my family in utah. and for everyone i know all over the world. and for everyone, for all people, everywhere. PURE LOVE.

i walked, daisey trotted and sniffed, we chatted with folks, got a latté. all was well. 

i spent my weekend among friends ... eating, celebrating, hiking, drinking, sharing. made plans to see my brother and family here after christmas. and just relaxed.

grounded. and lifted. beyond my wildest dreams. so so thankful.

i was also reminded that i am not alone at all. if the Universe answers me that quickly and clearly, then i am never alone, because the Universe is so magically and mysteriously there, always.

PS - i still can't remember the first question i asked the Universe, but i know the answer was my hitting that car. i guess i have to ask the question again. i just hope i'm paying more attention next time! 

what are you thankful for?

i am thankful that i have a loving family with whom to celebrate thanksgiving. daisey and i are heading to utah for the holiday week. so i'm taking a little break from this blogspace. but will be back the following week. 

and i am thankful for YOU, dear reader, for reading, looking, commenting ... THANK YOU.

celebrate well. peace.

xh

piddle-free zone

daisey. she is my love. her full name is princess daisey mae. i did not name her, she came to me at age 2. and i really don't know what i would have done without here these last eight years. she has been with me during the toughest times in life ... consistent, loving me with those adoring eyes. she is my family. 

and the rest of my family -- my brother and his clan -- now live in utah. so that's where we're going for thanksgiving. thanksgiving has always been the most important holiday for our family, and we celebrate it well. always super fun, low stress. we play games, hang out, walk, and of course, eat! 

but since my brother is in an almost brand new house, he and his wife really want to keep it nice. as in, no peeing on the carpets! i don't think they're worried that i'll do that ... no, but my little adorable furry friend does have a piddly accident now and again. or maybe it's not really an accident, maybe it's because she's miffed about being left too long, or not had enough walks this week, or ... not sure. i'm not a doggie psychologist! 

anyway, daisey was almost NOT invited for thanksgiving. but how could i celebrate well without MY family? so after some negotiating, she is coming with me. but we're just a month away now. and i want to make sure my sister-in-law's carpets stay nice and dry!

daisey's new, portable, soft-sided crate just arrived in the mail, and i'm feeding her treats in it. trying to get her to like her new digs. (but my burly cat roux seems to prefer the cozy space. he kind of rules the roost around here.)

anyway ... i am in need of some serious anti-piddling advice! anyone a dog-whisperer out there? it's all in the name of good family relations! 

listen up! less yang. more yin.

i cried on my yoga mat today.

first day of 30 days of yoga with marianne elliot. starting a home yoga practice. even though i signed up for a monthly membership at the local studio (they were having a deal on memberships … not much of a “deal” when you’re paying but not going). maybe this home practice will be the thing for me. i probably wouldn’t have let myself cry in a class full of people … or maybe i would have. i’m all for crying, have no problem with it. crying is just a release of energy, right?

so yeah, i cried. at the end of the almost hour-long practice. in savasana. first thing in the morning.

lying on my mat, i could hear from deep inside my body -- or my inner voice, or my soul – actually being grateful, saying: finally! you’re doing something for me! taking care of me. paying attention to me and to what I need.

sure, exercise has been spotty-at-best, of late. but it wasn’t just about moving my body. it was deeper than that. 

little tears at first, welling up. i listened to my little voice, alongside marianne’s lovely, soothing, new-zealand-accented voice.

upon marianne's suggestion and wanting to take even more care of my Self, i placed a pillow under my knees and drew my (much neglected) meditation blanket over my body. savasana. full stop. total relax. that’s when the tears spilled over my eye sockets and down the side of my face. not sobbing, just tears flowing for a bit. my trusty four-legged companion daisey came over to lick my eyes … she hasn’t learned how to bring kleenex yet.

that little voice inside is so hard for me to hear most of the time.

this time, i even talked to her. please help me to hear you better. please speak to me more loudly! please help me learn how to take better care of you. please please please.

i’m pretty rotten at relaxing. i wrote to my friend manny the other day that i’ve always wanted to be a bon vivant (bonne vivante?). good at  -- what elizabeth gilbert readily pointed out in eat pray love – that italianesque ease of “dolce far niente." the sweetness of doing nothing. but in reality, i’m no good at it. i relax the four days of thanksgiving. and when i’m sick in bed (so i don’t mind at all when i get sick, which is rarely). i have the constitution of a bull.

but this getting older thing requires gentleness. not bullishness. less yang. more yin.

i had a notecard by renée locks on my refrigerator for the longest time before the annual january fridge door cleanse. it read, “what people really need is a good listening to.” listened to. seen. heard. and i really try my best to do that for other people. have been acknowledged for being a good listener. 

may i now translate this for myself: what i really need is a good listening to. by me. 

hello hillary, can you hear me? 

five things bringing me home

after an emotionally exhausting two weeks, my dog walk with daisey in the glimmering late afternoon october sunlight brought me back home, home to my neighborhood and my pleasant routines, and home to my self ... observing nature's changes, reminding me that i too change constantly, but that my essence and all essence remains the same. (note to self: don't wax philosophical when you're tired!)

here are five things also bringing me home, to my essence, right now:

1. my dear friend manny atkins' new blog. she's undertaking yet another HUGE ADVENTURE! get all over her site and get to know this remarkable woman, if you want to be enriched and inspired!

2. momenta workshops urges those of us with cameras to follow mahatma ghandi's words: "be the change you want to see in the world."

3. "sister" sue had her first ever art show (outside of her own home), is feeling the flow of life and was feeling so lucky she bought lottery tickets (and won $45!).

4. sat with our bright, caring pacific pioneer fund board members today at our tri-annual meeting. we gave $35K in grants to deserving, hardworking and artistic documentary filmmakers. our meetings take place at the gorgeous san francisco film society digs in the presidio. we are so lucky to be welcomed into this highly creative space! 

5. my talented and kind teacher/friend christine mason miller is offering her beautiful, inspirational book ordinary sparkling moments at a discount and giving part of the proceeds to HIV/AIDS projects in south africa. and she's throwing in 4 free notecards as a bonus, because she's generous that way. 

expect a miracle (hill)

i'm feeling nostalgic. this week last year, i was on my way to france and spain to work on a movie. i wasn't the cinematographer, nor the director, nor the writer ... though i did have a tiny part as the lady in the tourist bureau until the actual lady got her courage up to be on camera. a star was NOT born. no, my main job as "scripty" was to sit on on a little stool in the prime real estate between the director and the cinematographer and tell the actors when they fluffed a line. (the mostly english cast and crew say "fluffed" instead of "flubbed" ... so much nicer to the ear ... and to the ego of the actor, i imagine!)



i was also the "continuity girl", making sure each actor spoke and gestured exactly the same way during each take in a scene ... a very tricky job requiring keen concentration. no being distracted by the handsome spanish farmer or the hot spanish sun. or ... the hot spanish farmer or the handsome spanish son!



oh, and i also did the still photography for the film's advertising.

it's a herculean effort, making a movie. i worked so hard, such long hours, and yet i still feel that i didn't work hard enough. i was jetlagged, then exhausted. but i didn't work nearly as hard as the folks who made this movie happen.



these english people, the atkins family, worked their fannies off (they definitely wouldn't say "fannies") making a film, as a family! the dad joe directed. the mom manny produced and was the lead actor. the youngest children beth and arthur also acted. the older sons harry and luc did the sound and music. these are some mighty talented and hardworking folks. their actor friends came to round out the cast and two french interns filled out the crew.



the film takes place along the chemin de st jacques in france and the camino de santiago in spain. the coolest thing for me was that i walked with miss daisey along the french part of this pilgrimage trail last april ... then in july i got to actually go to the pilgrimage end point of santiago with the film! pilgrims expect miracles ...

six months earlier while surfing the internet one evening, i had bumped into the atkins blog about their travels in a bus around europe and left a comment. manny wrote me back. we became friends via email, she invited me to stay with them on the way to my pilgrimage. and i offered to help with the film, and so i did. a miracle if you ask me!



one of the biggest blessings of working on this film was to meet the atkins and their friends. who just decides to make a movie and then goes and does it? the atkins do! they reminded me that anything is possible, absolutely anything, if you put enough head, heart and will into it.

the next biggest blessing was that i reignited my love affair with photography. not in the job description, i found myself making lots of behind the scenes photographs. so many beautiful places, and beautiful people to photograph! when i returned home, i decided not to go to grad school in psychology as i had planned, but to start a greeting card company using my photos, which will branch out into photos on canvas this fall.

another miracle, really. i found myself on that pilgrimage trail. not while hiking, but while filming "heaven."

the greatest miracle of all is that the film if you ever get to heaven is complete! and will be screened in england july 20. i will be here in the usa road tripping with my aussie friend around the western states ... so i'll have to catch the next screening, perhaps at the mill valley film festival! if you're lucky, it will be coming to a theater near you, too.

pansies, a tale of metamorphosis (hill)

[gallery]

i keep telling myself to STOP photographing flowers! stop it! it seems their colorful faces are all i see these days. i head out walking miss daisey around the neighborhood, camera in tow, and i say "no flowers today." i try, i do. i try to find fences or architecture or sky or signposts or chairs or something, anything other than flowers. but their colors and delicateness keep luring me back!

funny, i used to be a damn competitive, swashbuckling photojournalist. and i used to think that photographers who photographed flowers were pansies! i used to photograph politicians and world cup soccer and wildfires and gang members and city council meetings and crime scenes and the grand prix and dead bodies and once in a rare while a sunset. DEFINITELY NOT FLOWERS. i was 25, and even 35, and i loved it all! some scenes were horrible, blood and brains splattered on the sidewalk -- now it churns my stomach to even write those words -- but it was so exciting and different every day.

these days, you won't catch me anywhere near the news. i'm allergic. don't watch it, don't read it, don't want any part of it. i hear about the big things in conversations or from oprah! oil spill? earthquake? stockmarket? today i'm happy to say that i am a peaceful ostrich.

so now i photograph flowers, which brings me tranquility and wonder at the amazing, mystical world of mother nature. and it's exciting and different every day.

oh, and i did photograph some faces of friends recently, just to change it up a bit.









do you have any suggestions of gentle, beautiful photographic subjects that i could add to my repertoire? would love to hear your ideas ...

relocation narration 2 (hill)

[i hate to bump jamie o off of the top of the page, but life goes on ... ]



so it's official: my brother and family moved to utah ... they are soooooooo happy in their new home! (cantchya tell?!)

but it was a HELLACIOUS move including:

- 2 moving vans

- 1 pickup truck

- 1 suv

- 2 trailers

- 5 people

- 3 dogs

- 1 cat

i helped with the packing up for several days and thought i was going to be waving them and their caravan goodbye on the wednesday. but by wednesday night, they realized they had more stuff than their moving van could accommodate. alan would have to come back, almost immediately, to get the rest of their things. or ...

thursday morning i offered to cancel my appointments and weekend plans, find a petsitter, get a return flight home, and drive a second moving van to utah ... and get to spend a few more days with my family.

since their beds were packed, they all spent the night at my house on thursday night. friday morning i realized -- fortunately! -- that i needed to take daisey to the vet for her flying papers. so we all headed to the vet, then up to their rental house to pack up the rest and get going. it took ALL DAY. we didn't depart until 8:36pm, and of course there was the requisite last visit to the local starbucks, so we didn't really hit the road until 9:24pm. made it to auburn.



we were quite the convoy: alan leading the way in the biggest moving van he could rent, towing their car; andrew, 20, following with his cat leelu and william, 15, in their pickup truck loaded with motorcycles & bicycles; olivia driving their suv with lab leo and little mutt max in the backseat towing a trailer; and me bringing up the rear in the second, smaller moving van with my furry friend daisey. oof! woof!

we drove 10 hours the next day on what has to be the most boring, godawful piece of landscape in the world. reno. winnemucca. battle mountain. what do people do out here? at 7pm we stopped in elko, nv for more starbucks (the other kind of fuel).

they wanted to go another two hours to wendover. i called uncle. i was done. cooked. finito. we stayed in a hotel with casino attached -- in which they still allow smoking (!) -- smuggling the animals into the hotel rooms once again. andrew is highly affected by cigarette smoke, and even his non-smoking room was unbearable, so he slunk off to sleep in the suv in the cold ... my nephew slept in the car while the animals had room service!



princess daisey mae is an intrepid traveller (she's even been to france). during the drive, she didn't want to miss a piece of the action, and there wasn't much action but for the NOISE of the engine that even the am radio could not din ... she kept falling asleep sitting up, with her head resting on the seatbelt ...

our gas/coffee/food/pee breaks were the excitement of the day and, with 5 people and 3 dogs, kept us busy. no wonder it took so long!

on the third day, we were actually getting closer to salt lake city. and then, we blessedly turned off of hwy 80 (NEVER again). and onto the road to their new home. up, up, up we climbed toward the spectacular wasatch mountains.



somehow, we made it. oof and woof again! an arduous journey with a pot of gold at the end. they are so pleased with the new house -- the space, the rooms, the kitchen!, the new neighborhood, the views, snowbird just 25 minutes away. it had taken us so much longer than expected that i'd changed my flight to the next day. we unloaded the trailer and smaller van but the beds were in the monster truck that we couldn't get into 'til the next day. so we camped out on the living room floor.

monday the troops descended to help unload. olivia's brother, his son, alan's school pal scott and wife suzanne and her brother. and this is why alan and olivia and andrew and william moved to utah: family,  friends, natural beauty, and realistic real estate prices. my wish for them is a very happy new life!

but i miss them already, sometimes with an ache in the heart, sometimes it's as if i'm on the top of a ferris wheel and there's nothing but air beneath my feet.

the troops 

sam, dave and scott (l - r)

suzanne

andrew

william

a reason to celebrate (hill)

i know i said i don't celebrate holidays much, but i do celebrate -- inwardly -- tax day! this year, i dropped off my tax prep at my accountant's on april 7th. i know, not great. but better than some years. (i'll try harder next year, denis, i promise!)

they worked their magic and i picked the packets up on april 13th. mailed them off on april 14th with NO LINE at the post office!

my friendly local postal center inside of a beautiful gift shop is one of my favorite things in mill valley. the owner lisa always greets us warmly and by name, reminiscent of NORM! lisa lavishes daisey with caresses and little pieces of treats for daisey's little teeth, and invites daisey to come behind the counter, leash-free, to indulge her. and lisa always knows the best way to send everything. her shop is stocked tastefully with pretty stationery, coffee-table and inspirational books, jewelry, candles, lotions and potions, etc, with the postal section off to the side. the whole place exudes small town niceness.

two reasons to celebrate: getting my taxes mailed on time, and my happy little visits to lisa's lovely store: http://www.allwrappedup.com

the day after easter (hill)

the day after easter. no chocolate bunnies for me. no chocolate period. no eggs. no pastel colors. no egg hunts. no nothin, except for these four i found on tonight's dog walk, the day after. reminding me that other people have bunnies. i don't. i don't celebrate easter.

yesterday on easter sunday i went to the alameda flea market for the first time with my cousin and her girls who don't celebrate easter, either. the morning was windy and freezing and many of the sellers' spaces seemed empty. when it started raining big fat drops we abandoned the expedition and headed into oakland for breakfast. we opted out of the easter brunch buffets for $39.99 per and the 'chicken and waffles' place with very dirty carpets and a very dirty restroom. so we ended up at the buttermilk something diner for a mediocre meal, and saw some big groups of families and hat ladies just in from church. it rained the rest of the day while i sat at the dining room table and did my taxes, between distractions. what a weird easter sunday it was ... even by my sideways standards.

my mom used to buy us chocolate bunnies when we were kids, the day after easter when they were on sale. she LOVED sales. anyway, i don't celebrate christmas, either. don't celebrate hanukkah, don't do passover (except when we do it like the renaissance faire, which i'll explain another time), don't even celebrate new year's eve anymore (all that drinking), or st. paddy's day (ditto). don't do much for birthdays, for that matter. our family was jewish, and we did celebrate the major jewish holidays, but not really in any great, memorable way. my dad would have gotten christmas trees, but my mom would have none of it. on christmas, it's chinese food and the movies, the only places for non-christmas-celebrators to go. we celebrated hannukah which as a kid seemed long and drawn out and watered down and not really that much fun. not like christmas seems. i just heard from a friend of mine who lives in israel, and who said her kids were on pesah vacation, that's PASSOVER VACATION! wow. it just sounds so refreshing to have the jewish holidays matter and not to be marginalized the way they are here. not that i affiliate with being jewish.

i guess i don't celebrate most holidays because i don't affiliate with any religion, and don't like to drink that much. i don't even celebrate the solstices, even though i place more credence in nature's rhythms than anything man-made. my birthday falls on the spring equinox, which feels exciting no matter if i "celebrate" or not. doesn't everyone feel spring bursting on march 21st?

i realize i sound a bit of a scrooge with my limited holiday-making. what i do celebrate, however, i celebrate with gusto! four days out of the year are my especially fun days. i seriously celebrate the BBQ HOLIDAYS! memorial day, fourth of july, labor day ... wouldn't miss a bbqing opportunity for anything, and i do love a parade (even though i now see through all the pomp and fire engines for what they really are: pr/marketing opportunities for small town businesses ... true or scroogey?).

and then there's thanksgiving, the best holiday EVER! food, friends, family, freedom from gift-giving, four day weekend, relaxing. i had a double oven installed just for thanksgiving, and it is the only time i use two ovens at once. worth every penny.

my former chiropractor was jewish married to a non-jew. i once asked him what they celebrated. EVERYTHING he replied! which sounds so happy, so inclusive, so fun. without any of the religious weight put on any of the holidays. just because it's a celebration. what a lighthearted way to be. i could get behind that kind of dogma: celebrate more.

i could bake two different chocolate cakes in my double oven and toast my accountant with champagne when i finally finish my taxes!

yay or nay?

how do you celebrate?

this morning, please let me be ... (hill)

this is daisey with her dreamy morning face on, after the initial morning excitement: just after hopping out of bed, scrambling down the stairs, heading straight for the backyard to do her business, jumping back in the kitchen and dancing and wagging and full-body-wiggling at the excitement of seeing ME, after having slept right by ME all night long. every morning, this is the great gift i receive from my little friend. joy at seeing ME. me? yes, me.

every morning i am taken aback by her love and devotion. and every morning, i pick her up, swaddle her with my arms and hold her to my chest just like a baby with her head leaning on my shoulder, and i sway and sing to her. silly songs i make up, all about daisey, sometimes repeats, sometimes new. later, as the morning unfolds, i often catch daisey sitting in the kitchen with a faraway look in her eyes, like she's remembering a dream.

even later when she fully wakes up, she follows me around the house now with a pleading look in her eyes until i take her out for her beloved walk. we have a morning route and an afternoon route and an evening route, and she knows which one we're doing and heads in the right direction, leading me. every morning trotting happily on her way, not even looking to cross the street, totally trusting that she is safe (and thus always leashed to her little harness), sniffing and piddling along our morning route. i consider it a successful walk when i have not pulled once on her leash, but let her take her sweet time, which happens more and more often these days.

reminds me of a sailing lesson i learned long ago, that when coming into the harbor, you can tell the experienced sailing crew from the novices because they're all doing the right things without having to shout at each other. daisey and i are like that in our quotidien routines, dancing and singing and walking along the sweet harbor of our life.

please let me be the person my dog thinks i am.

(great quote poster found on one of my favorite blogs, sfgirlbbybay).        http://www.sfgirlbybay.com/2010/02/10/how-much-for-that-doggie-in-the-window/

sugar magnolia (hill)

magnificent magnolias. majestic magnolias. marvelous magnolias. merry magnolias. you get the idea. my neighborhood is bursting with magnolia blooms, and i see so many varieties on our daily dogwalks. and every time, they make me think of another beloved roommate of meg's and mine, laura. she and her hubbie's first dance at their wedding 20 years ago was ... sugar magnolia by the greatful dead. laura is the most straighlaced deadhead you'll ever meet, even nerdy in high school (you said so yourself, laurs!). so as i wander around, inhaling the saturated magnolia fuschias, pinks, and whites, and gaze at their beauty, i think of laura and hum along to myself and sometimes even out loud to daisey. this one's for you, laurs:





Sugar magnolia, blossoms blooming, head's all empty and I don't care,

Saw my baby down by the river, knew she'd have to come up soon for air.

Sweet blossom come on, under the willow, we can have high times if you'll abide
We can discover the wonders of nature, rolling in the rushes down by the riverside.

She's got everything delightful, she's got everything I need,
Takes the wheel when I'm seeing double, pays my ticket when I speed.

Well, she comes skimmin' through rays of violet, she can wade in a drop of dew,
She don't come and I don't follow, waits backstage while I sing to you.

Well, she can dance a Cajun rhythm, jump like a Willy's in four wheel drive.
She's a summer love in the spring, fall and winter. She can make happy any man alive.

Sugar magnolia, ringing that bluebell, caught up in sunlight, come on out singing
I'll walk you in the sunshine, come on honey, come along with me.

She's got everything delightful, she's got everything I need,
A breeze in the pines in the summer night moonlight, crazy in the sunlight yes indeed.

Sometimes when the cuckoo's crying, when the moon is half way down,
Sometimes when the night is dying, I take me out and I wander around, I wander 'round.

Sunshine, daydream, walking in the tall trees, going where the wind goes
Blooming like a red rose, breathing more freely,
Light out singin', I'll walk you in the morning sunshine
Sunshine, daydream. Sunshine, daydream. Walking in the sunshine.

     e---------------------2--x------------------------------|
     a---------------------3--2------------------------------|
     d--1/2--1/2-----------2--2--1/2--1/2--------------------|
     g--1/2--1/2-----2--4--4--2--1/2--1/2--------2-----------|
     b------------4--------0--0------------2--4-----4--2--0--|
     E---------------------x--x------------------------------|
                      ~ by the grateful dead

how do i love thee? (hill)

not the smoothest of days: woke to cat puke, made coffee (love the smell) and drank it (makes me crazy), decided to drop a class (which p had rearranged her schedule around with much difficulty, thus my severe guilt), needed to provide proof of student status for my student-version software but my computer decided to punish me for waiting til the last minute and crashed hard, couldn't find a suitable poem to scribe for my calligraphy homework since we still only know 15 letters and all the poems wanted an r or an l so tried to write my own poem and ran out of time, took my computer in but had to wait for an appointment so missed calligraphy anyway, computer seemed to magically right itself (i think it's a hypochondriac!) ... and amidst all this chaos (usually my days are much much smoother), i took miss daisey and my camera for a walk and saw SO MUCH BEAUTY. my camera offers me solace, helps me see Nature, and points me towards peace. o canon, how do i love thee, let me count the ways ...

all quiet in the neighborhood (hill)

The ornament of beauty is suspect,

A crow that flies in heaven’s sweetest air.

- William Shakespeare

They, the normally noisy neighborhood nuisances, mostly sat quietly huddled in pairs on branches, spirits and wings dampened by january rain, with only short flights between nearby trees.