not cold

gratitude project, day 18

celebrating well enough to stave off the cold.

fabric

gratitude project, day 17

choosing new fabric. reupholstering. redecorating. 

all in the name of change. wanting to remake the outer (in case that will help change the rest). 

but i know that inner change takes more than picking out a new pattern. it means holding on to that pattern. and it especially means letting go of old patterns. and so, my new chair is a symbol, as well as a new resting place.

layers of meaning

gratitude project, day 15

thank god for my friend P. she reminded me today, in the middle of a meltdown, that everything is not all good or all bad, not all light or all dark. there are always always always a myriad of things happening for us humans, even when it seems like sadness is all there is or will ever be. 

and then tonight another friend called to tell me the exact same thing. 

grateful for friends who take the time to listen, to buoy me.

and come to think of it, that's what this gratitude project is all about.

messenger

gratitude project, day 14

visionary messsenger, the hawk symbolizes seeing our life from a higher perspective, and to flying high with our life's purpose. 

this magnificent bird came into my life in a very second-hand manner, yet i still humbly receive its message.

walking and talking

gratitude project, day 13

twenty years ago in kathmandu, i saw a fellow westerner on the street and asked her, "can you point me toward the american express office?" she and i and our boyfriends embarked on a three-week trek in the himalayas the very next day, and have been friends ever since.

twenty years later, karin came to visit and we hiked the tennessee valley trail to the sparkling pacific ocean, half an hour each way. not exactly a trek, but we both still love walking together. and talking together.

this weekend was much about photography, a budding interest of karin's. 

but it was about oh so much more: sisterhood, friendship, shared peak experiences, travel, love. 

we know each other as the twenty-somethings we were when we first met. we embrace and accept each other's capabilities and foibles. we see each other's essence. 

in a row

gratitude project, day 12my ducks are not in a row. they are not in a circle, even. they have been all willy nilly for a good while now. 

and while life seems chaotic these days, i know from experience that the snow in the globe will settle, and peace will reign in my little queendom once again. 

balance is the guiding force, chaos its opposite. one does not exist without the other. 

i am grateful for remembering, this too shall pass. 

oh gourd!

gratitude project, day 11

my neighborhood is halloween central. hill people come down to these flatlands for easier access to many homes close together. others come for the especially yummy treats: punch bowls for the adults and brimming candy bowls for the children. it's a costumed multi-block party. parking is tight.

in years past, i've hosted parties and given out candy for hours, decorated the front yard with frightening masks and eerie lights, all in the name of joining in the fun.

this year, i opted out.

a friend's child's jaw dropped when i told them i went to the movies on halloween. she must be an alien, her eyes said.

turns out, i merely did what i really wanted to do, gave myself permission to be different. 

but i will never shy away from a gourd with a good stem.

 

double date

gratitude project, day 9

these avian beings remind me of the rightness of coupledom. although not in a conversational mood, they still know they are tethered to another, their mate right nearby. noah was right.

single now for several years, my mind of course goes straight to the beginning of coupledom. and to that heart melting scene in the movie "eat pray love" when felipe can't stand another second without loving liz. he beholds her reading across the room, goes to her, removes the book from her hand and says matter-of-factly, "it's time."

i recently met a woman who, after her divorce, said she would not settle for anything less in her next partner than someone who "completely sees me." and she found him. 

calling mr. soulmate man ... come see me. it's time.

loving miss daisey

gratitude project, day 8

i can promise you only one thing: this will not be the only day in november when my little miss daisey takes center gratitude stage. she teaches me love, and devotion, every single day.

will work for work

gratitude project, day 7.

that feeling of rest after, or in the middle of, working really really hard reminds me of what i'm grateful for today.

not for the resting. but for the working. for being completely engaged in what i'm doing for hours and hours. for waking before light, for leaving after dark. for the will. to work.

i always wanted to be a bonne vivante, someone who excels at dolce far niente ... the sweetness of doing nothing. but that's not me. 

me? i love a good project. making a movie. preparing for an art show. moving house. hosting garage sales and big parties. starting a business. building a bar. anything that requires full-on, hardcore work for a finite amount of time until completion. 

i was surely a peasant farmer in a former life.

and an italian aristocrat who expects to be served foamy lattes in another. but that's another story.

#iseefaces

gratitude project, day 6

my parents gave me one of the greatest gifts ... the love of travel. i always loved how alive i became when travelling, all senses open, soaking in the wonder of a new place.

i realized quickly that my camera gave me that same sense of awe and interest, and i decided on a career in photojournalism because i knew it would offer me the opportunity to keep alive my interest in the world.

today i am grateful for that gift from my parents, and for what really sustains me and feeds my soul. looking. seeing. discovering. a face on a wall!

shift happens

gratitude project, day 5

two days in to a four-day workshop on digital photography workflow. ingesting so much cutting edge technical information. and able to do so. very grateful for having the capacity to learn and grow. and unlearn what i no longer need. for knowing that, even at age fifty, i can still shift gears. 

atraversiamo!

gratitude project, day four

of all the places on earth i've traveled, this one i call home is one of the best. this bridge? an exciting crossing. each and every time.

 

some days, unsure

gratitude project, day 3my intention is to continue making self-portraits, to see how i see myself, and the way i mirror the world, and how the world might see me.

brand-new at this endeavor, sometimes it feels quite painful to aim my camera at myself. and i lose the learning.

still, i am grateful to have learned of this potentially very powerful tool, self portraiture. and i am grateful for my willingness to continue, even when i can't get beyond my own fearful thoughts. 

jubilate deo

gratitude project, day 2

most wednesday evenings, you'll find me singing to god. which may sound weird from someone who eschews religion. 

'god' is a tricky word. organized religion makes the word and the idea of god heavy with dogma, rules, shoulds. 

but my direct experience of god is of pure freedom. pure love. everywhere. at all times. in all people. that is what i know of god. 

so on wednesdays, i gather with 100 other voices of god to sing ancient music to god, in honor of god. and god, do we sound good! 

gratitude is good

gratitude project, day 1

each night, the very last thing i do before turning out the lights is review my day and name five things for which i am grateful. it is a practice that has shown me that, even in low times, there are so many things, sometimes small things, and people and animals and nature, that i treasure in my life. 

so with the inspiration from famed mainemomma shutter sister kristen, i'm adding my gratitude images to flickr's gratitude project.

because expressing my gratitude, well, makes me feel good. and grateful. for this life.

a fact of beauty

about 90% of the time, i am not photogenic. even my friends will attest to that. some people are, some people aren't. i'm not. and i accept that, since there's really nothing i can do about it. it's like having blue eyes or being tall ... genetics, traits, facts. i have other gifts, but photogenicity is not one of them. 

this photo, however, does not have me cringing when i look at it, at myself, the way many photos of me do. the high angle is better for my round face, reducing some of the roundness. the lighting isn't great but the blues are pretty. 

but this photo is about waaaay more than colors and angles. 

the juice is in my eyes, behind my eyes. my whole self, my inner self, my soul and spirit Self is right there. i am present. i am grounded. i am in my body. there are so many ways of describing this state of being.

ten years ago, i had no idea what this meant, being "in my body." i thought i WAS my body. 

years of study, and evolved friends and teachers, and spiritual experiences, and oh so much work and practice have all helped me to not only understand this concept, but to actually feel when i'm in my body and when i'm not.

some people have a much easier time being and staying grounded/present/in-their-bodies. often those with past trauma or super sensitive nervous systems have a harder time. i find that people who work with their hands are often more grounded than "intellectuals." and surprise, surprise, i'm one of those folks who has to work at getting out of my head, being present and staying in my body. 

i like this self-portrait because i can see my Self, my soul, shining through my eyes, my clothes, radiating. i see me, the real me, not the outer me, not the photogenic or not-photogenic me.

i really see me. and i find myself beautiful. because spirit IS beautiful. fact.

and i'm learning how to say it, to state it. without the outer getting in the way. without my head getting in the way.

i. am. beautiful.

for the love of a machine

for so long now, i've had a love/hate relationship with my computer.

and digital photography means that i am tethered to my machine. 

i have to sit my ass in a chair in a room in my house in order to complete my photographic vision.

no more standing in a dark room with a red light, often with other people, swaying to music, watching my visions come alive. 

nope. here i sit. alone. when all i want is to be out, with people, moving and seeing and living. connecting.

and while i have participated in many online classes, and have had a blog now for a couple years, and even met and had an amazing experience with the first ever people to whom i wrote after reading their blog ... 

still, the people in my computer seemed so far away. little links that appeared as "handles" were mostly just that, little letters on my screen with an underline.

i never really thought about the actual people who are on the other side of those underlines, those funny names. until now. 

 

link = whole human being.

link = potential friend.

link = possible soul sister.

and computer = connection. 

(kind of like the telephone, but i can "call" people i haven't actually met yet.)

maybe the younger set has known this all along.

but i just realized this at camp when i actually got to meet the living ladies behind the links. and saw how connected people were with their "online" friends, before they ever met in real life. 

and i realized, my computer is my passport to the world. and to friends. to love.