monday memories / RTW trip: in to africa

while i have my around-the-world photos out from their usual home in the garage, i think i’ll continue telling some more stories from that adventure. after the last post about india ...

**note: most of these photos were scanned from contact sheets, thus the low quality.

we flew to nairobi, our luggage arriving splayed open on the conveyor belts, along with many other bags arriving in similar shape. curt was missing a few items, but we were glad to see our bags. many fellow travellers' bags didn't arrive at all. an airport luggage worker, either in bombay or nairobi, jimmied open the zippers on our bags and rummaged around. both places are filled with desperate people. still, we have a feeling it happened in nairobi ... 

curt and ngugi

we were there visiting curt's friend ngugi in ngong (pronounced "gogi" and "gong") outside nairobi. ngugi lived in curt's neighborhood in portland from age 10 to age 20, and they grew up playing together. at 20, ngugi had an apartment, a car, a job, a girlfriend, a bank account, and was going to college. he decided to make a trip back to kenya to visit his dying father. had all the necessary visas and paperwork. he took two suitcases, one with his clothes, and one filled with gifts for his family. at the end of his visit, he went to the airport all ready to head back to portland, and was denied transit. as in, the airport officials denied his visa, which had been fine a month prior when he had departed portland. ngugi later learned that while he was overseas, president reagan had changed the law. ngugi was not allowed to return to the US.

ngong

what? curt's family and all the neighbors worked on ngugi's behalf to help him return to portland, to his LIFE. but they were unsuccessful. and unable to send his things. ngugi had one suitcase to his name. 

with nowhere else to go, ngugi first built himself a mud hut in a shanty town. then eventually he married, moved in to a compound and had two beautiful children. ironically, he worked sporadically as a photographer of passport pictures. 10 years later, he was still bitter about how he was treated by the united states government. yeah, i get it. 

ngong

curt and i stayed with ngugi, his wife mama-ciku (once a kenyan woman has a child, she takes the name of her first born preceded by "mama") and their children ciku and jack in their two-room home for a few days until we were able to find lodging. we rented an unfurnished house -- a mansion compared to ngugi's place -- with an eastern (aka: squat), but porcelain and flushing, toilet. at ngugi's place, the shared toilet facilities were not porcelain, not flushing, and ...  how can i say it ...  the worst i've encountered ... anywhere, ever.

ciku (left) and jack and neighbor (right)

our house was clean and simple. we borrowed a single bed and a propane burner, and lived there for two months. but we only had running water for the first few days. from then on, we had to join in the queues of people with our five-gallon buckets. we had to boil our water for drinking, we used one-liter bottles for bathing and for flushing the toilet. 

mama-ciku and neighbor girl

we did take ngugi's family on a low-budget/high-adventure safari (the post which started this whole series of our trip around the world).

and we did visit ngugi's family farm one weekend. they even killed a goat in our honor (i was a vegetarian at the time. horrible.)

ciku and jack on family farm

and curt and ngugi got to spend a lot of time together. they had 10 years to catch up on. but two months was a long time for me. ngong was a poor african town with not much happening, no opportunity for the locals, people having to walk far for water. lots of people hanging around not working because there just wasn't any work. it was depressing, hopeless.

one night we visited ngugi's brother who was living in his old mud hut in the shanty town. we were drinking beer. two local policemen paid us a visit, and from what i could gather, demanded beer. they stayed and drank it, loosened their uniforms, disheveled. they had guns. it was very scary.

i also made a collage out of newspaper stories and headlines while i was there. horrific stories about people hacking each other up with machetes. police raping women with coke bottles. astounding brutality. 

mombasa

we also visited mombasa on the ocean. curt got really, really sick. more sick than when we were stranded in that nepali village. 

i literally just found my travel journal out in the garage. here's an excerpt from that time:

mombasa was a bust, we are nonplussed and both got bacterial dysentary. curt was so sick and with such a high fever (i'm glad we had no thermometer!) and chills, i thought he might even have malaria. but after several hours of his suffering and my nursing, his fever broke. he was still not well enough to take the bus back to nairobi, so i exchanged our tickets for tomorrow and got more medicine from the nice indian pharmacist. 

mombasa

and i have to say, africa -- or maybe it was just travelling in general -- was taking its toll on me. 

the morning we were going to the family farm, curt and i took our usual path to ngugi's, but the monsoons had started and it was pouring. i stepped in mud down to my ankles and basically had a meltdown. we got to ngugi's and i wouldn't stop crying. the children were concerned. curt laughed at me. i was not a happy camper. it was kind of funny that a little mud would warrant such an explosive reaction, but i just had had it up to here (karate chop in the air over my head).  

view of ngong hills from the karen blixen museum

to escape our heartbreaking surroundings, we snuck away -- somewhat guiltily -- and rode the insanely dangerous matatou (minibus) from ngong halfway to nairobi ... to karen. ah, karen. karen was the wealthy suburb where many europeans had plantations and farms. karen blixen (also known as isak dinesan, "out of africa"author) had her farm there, which had become a museum and which i visited often. and there was a great restaurant with a safe salad bar, candlelight and cold beer! curt tried game meats. i soaked up the sparkling clean ambiance. heaven.

another journal entry:

curt and i really do get along well, we have had nothing but time on our hands and have managed to keep ourselves and each other entertained -- thank god we both like gin rummy. he really is a pleasure to live with ... 

exotic plant at karen blixen museum

i'm embarrassed to say that i needed to get away to karen. but i really did. i just did. it was peaceful, subdued, beautiful. 

in spite of the hardships, in spite of my heart breaking over and over witnessing so much hopelessness, i did find beauty in the landscapes, the majestic animals, and the courageous people who live and laugh, day in and day out, with such rawness of LIFE. and what a treasure for curt and ngugi to have had that time together.

~~~~~

lessons learned: important friendships are worth any hardship. 

+++++

while we were travelling, we didn't really have any extra money or things we could give to ngugi and his family. but when we got home, it felt good to send ngugi some extra camera gear i had. and curt still sends money. 

in kenya, i became a huge karen blixen fan. read her "letters from africa, 1914-1931." when i returned home, i found this wonderful book "longing for darkness: kamante's tales from out of africa" by photographer peter beard. he collected stories and drawings by blixen's servant kamante, the hero in blixen's "out of africa."

portrait of kamante in the karen blixen museum

photoflow: here. i. am.

i have a few girlfriends whom i've photographed for a long time, since our college days. one in particular, meg, has always welcomed my camera. the others, not so much. 

with meg, it was never a case of "i am so beautiful. take a picture of ME!" not that she isn't beautiful. no, it was more of a matter of self acceptance (i yam what i yam), and a (quite rare) willingness to be seen. with or without preparation. no fussing, no "just let me put my makeup on." none of that. just, you want to take my picture? sure. here i am.

and i have a newer friend who is equally comfortable in front of the camera. terri. she, too, is always ready for a shoot. no nos. always YES! here i am!

as a photographer, i appreciate SO MUCH this willingness in people to be photographed. it just makes the photography easier, better, more free.

and more importantly, people's energy of openness feels good to be around, making those around them more open and free, too. open energy begets open energy.

but i completely understand not wanting to be photographed. i've been that way! but i am realizing that it's much more than a surface-thing of not wanting to be photographed. it's so much deeper than that.

so this week in my unravelling e-course, our assignment was to photograph ourselves. the (dreaded) SELF-PORTRAIT. 

self acceptance. willingness to be seen. ok. yes. breathe. letting myself just be. i want that for others, and i want that for myself. to love others just as they are. to love myself just as i am. in photography and in life.

so in that spirit ... here. i. am.

It's weird that photographers spend years or even a whole lifetime, trying to capture moments that added together, don't even amount to a couple of hours. 

~James Lalropui Keivom

photoflow: the faceless portrait

hiking an unrenovated, desolate portion of the great wall of china, i made this portrait of my german boyfriend thorsten. i LOVE this photo. have it framed in my kitchen (even though we stopped dating years ago). 

i find this image speaks volumes about thorsten:

1. strong: just look at that frame, that physique, tall and sturdy, those lean tree trunk legs.

2. mountain man: he uses that body to get out in nature and climb high (he also runs long distance and cycles up big hills).

3. intrepid traveller: he loves visiting new places, experiencing new cultures and foods (and has lived in the states over 10 years).

4. off the beaten path: this guy marches to his own drum (has a pierced ear and plays electric guitar).

5. relaxed: his hand reveals his relaxed nature (even though he's very hardworking and ambitious).

that's a lot of information for one photo. and you can't even see his face!

and that is exactly the point: you do not need to show someone's face to show many things about her/him. showing the back may reveal even more than the face. the face can distract us from seeing all the rest there is to see of someone. 

but not everyone agrees on this point. 

i was going to accompany thorsten home to germany for christmas, and considered giving this photo of thorsten to his mother. i hemmed and hawed. not sure she would like a photo of her son without seeing his face. i consulted my dad -- of the parental generation -- who very much appreciated photography. he said, go for it, it's a great photograph. 

so i gave it to thorsten's mom for christmas. she did not get it. no oooos and ahhhhhs. no "great photo," nicht. just a polite thank you. (she didn't get me, either, but that's another story.) 

some people expect to see faces in portraits. but i am reminded to photograph the "rear view" for a change ... to see what else there is to see of someone. 

Often while traveling with a camera we arrive just as the sun slips over the horizon of a moment, too late to expose film, only time enough to expose our hearts. 

~ Minor White

monday memories / RTW trip: hugging hills and yaks

while i have my around-the-world photos out from their usual home in the garage, i think i’ll continue telling some more stories from that adventure. after the last post about thailand ...

flying into kathmandu from bangkok was like entering a completely different planet. (and we hadn't even gotten to india yet ... i know i keep saying that. india is a different universe altogether!) kathmandu in january: misty, dark, mysterious, ancient, impoverished, damp. we had to spend about a week gaining our bearings, figuring out which trek to do, getting all the necessary official papers and permits, paying fees, gathering gear. 

before our RTW (round the world) departure, curt and i had set up a very loose itinerary which we gave to our friends and family, including the american express offices in each country we were to visit. back in the days before email and cell phones, amex offered locations for mail and packages to be held for travellers. so out in kathmandu one day, searching for the office, i spied a young western traveller coming toward me on the sidewalk. i stopped her and asked her if she knew where the american express office was located. she pointed me in the right direction, and we went our separate ways, not knowing that moment began a long and deep friendship. 

a few days later, karin was on the bus to pokhara with us along with her bf chris, another young couple from canada, and a load of nepali people. the six of us became instant friends, all on the same adventure: trekking the 21-day annapurna circuit. but first, we had to survive the treacherous eight-hour, gut-wrenching, brain-jostling bus ride. the road from kathmandu (capital city) to pokhara (second city) was virtually the only road in nepal, and much of it wasn't paved. our bus looked like it had been through a war, but many didn't make it, evidenced by rusted busted bus parts strewn down the mountain cliffs. harrowing. but we survived. 

one night in the idyllic, lakeside village of pokhara (where i left my whole fanny pack -- wallet and passport inside -- at a store, and later retrieved it from a gentle woman who would have had a year's worth of income had she stolen my cash) and we started our trek.  

fortunately we were young, strong and fit. even so, our six-some dwindled to a four-some just a few days in ... canadian christine suffered terrible headaches, nausea and sleeplessness due to altitude. her system just couldn't acclimate, so they had to turn around. you can't mess with mother nature, especially around the highest peaks on earth. karin, chris, curt and i heaved onward and upward. 

elevation in METERS, not feet!the annapurna circuit was and still is the most popular trekking route in nepal. easy to navigate without a guide(though i would get one now, to learn more about the culture), from tea lodge to tea lodge, each equipped with shared bunk rooms, filtered water, people from all over the world, decent food (even "beritos" and "vejjie bergers" -- though curt consistently chose the local daal bhat 3x/day). and yet, we were alone on the trail most of the time. the scenery varied from lush terraced fields -- lemon trees, almost tropical -- to monkeys swinging through forests, to barren hillsides and mountains, to bleak desolate villages, to the ultimate peaks reaching the heavens. 

these paths and trails we walked on every day were the "freeways" of the nepali. they had to carry everything they needed in their villages on their backs, usually with a tump line strapped around their foreheads. crates of eggs, canned goods, coke bottles!, firewood, etc etc etc. and usually, the locals were barefoot. or in the simplest footwear. the calf muscles on these folks! you could tell the professional sherpas -- they sported expensive hiking boots. 

we learned early on, "hug the hill" (not me-hill, the mountain-hill). on one particularly treacherous 5-foot-wide trail along a rock face, along came a yak train which i mistakenly got on the outside of (as in, NOT hugging the hill), staring down a 200-foot sheer drop. adrenaline surging, i had to hug the yaks to stay on the trail. even though they are huge/scary/smelly creatures, they were less scary than my other choice. hug the hill, definitely. but when in doubt, hug a yak! (i did not make that mistake again. when i saw a yak train coming our way, i just found a safe place to pull over, hug the hill and wait for the beasts to pass.)

only wealthy nepali can afford to ride horseback to their marriage ceremony 

i didn't know a lick about nepali/buddhist/tibetan culture or religion. chris did, though, and kept us well informed, and he's good with maps, too. so many hours to talk while we walked. (such a blessing to have so much TIME to just be with people). but my interest in spirituality of all kinds and the religions of the world has grown since then. had i known then what i know now, i would have been spinning these prayer wheels at every opportunity!

curt is very strong (he carried a huge backpack so i could carry only a daypack), but has a weak tummy. he got sick pretty much in every country. this time, it was bad. the daal bhat eventually got to him. or maybe some unclean water. on about day 6 he was in a bad, bad way. so sick that while entering a village late in the afternoon, he didn't even manage to get off the main trail and dropped trou, as in, had diarrhea right then and there, on the trail. kinda like shitting on someone's front steps. we stayed in that village for three nights while curt lay in bed moaning and groaning and felt like he was going to die. i was sad to see them go, but karin and chris trekked on. i nursed curt in a little ramshackle dark, dusty room. we didn't have much in the way of medications, so we just had to wait it out. and waited. and waited. 

but he came back to strength. we hiked along the spectacular kaligandaki gorge where a dog found and followed us for three days (helping curt? he missed his dog so. perhaps this furry friend bolstered him.) we made it all the way up to the desolate, eerie muktinath, finding our stride. we missed our friends karin and chris who were ahead of us on the trail. we loved having them as hiking partners, and wanted to catch up. 

we kept up a good clip, walked long days. we thought we could make it to tatopani, the next village on the map, where we might find our friends. darkness came and we kept walking (not smart). we reeeeeaaaaallllly wanted to get there. curt's feet were bleeding. i don't remember but i'm sure mine were aching, too. we arrived in tatopani, found the tea lodge and entered the open-air dining room to gasps and applause. karin and chris were there, they knew how fast we must've walked to catch up to them, and they spread the news to the other travellers. we recieved a standing ovation by all! celebrated well and rested the next day. 

rest and laundry day, with karin

a few more days walking and we made it back to pokhara. where we both got sick. really sick. as in, all orifices exploding at once (vomit and diarrhea, the combo pack). fortunately, we had a private bath with western toilet. thank god! (and thank god i was the one with the camera, no photos of sick hilly here!)

 back in kathmandu, we enjoyed ourselves. lattes and pastries at the pumpernickel cafe ... 

 curt got a shave which he still talks about to this day ... 

we felt like heroes, having survived our own trek!

little did we know what was in store for us in india ... 

~~~~~

lessons learned: always hug the hills! stay alert,  for the next person you meet may just become a dear friend. 

+++++ 

postscript: karin and i are still friends, 20 years later. we still joke to each other "do you know where the american express office is?" she's super crafty and taught me how to make greeting cards, planting the seed that was to become eyechai. now she's busy with bigger things ... she and chris got married and just had a baby boy! but their little guy hasn't dampened their wanderlust ... they've taken him camping in botswana, namibia, iceland, and nevada!

photoflow: fresh perspective

when in need of a fresh perspective ...

give a kid your camera!

on a film production last summer in france and spain, i worked alongside 6 kids ranging from 9-19 (yes, i’m old enough to consider 19-year-olds “kids”). three actors, a set designer, a sound recordist, and a musical director/camera assistant -- these are some talented kids! sometimes they almost outnumbered the adults (we were 6 – 14 adults, depending on the day) on this heavenly film shoot. 

one long day shooting in the middle of a vast hay field in northern spain -- during a lull in the work -- i let 11-year-old beth borrow my camera. didn't pay any attention to what she was shooting. only to find this when i got my camera back:

i love this shot, such a quiet moment captured. and the tilt just adds to the interest, bringing the moment inward, toward nicoletta who usually had to act tough (she played the beautiful villain in the film). beth reminded me that WE CAN TILT HORIZONS with fabulous results!

i was schooled for so long -- both in school and working as a photojournalist -- to get my horizons absolutely straight, perfectly horizontal. in fact, i recently posted a tilted horizon photo on facebook, and one of my former colleagues messaged back to straighten that horizon! but i'm all about breaking the (silly, constricting) rules these days. 

toward the end of the shoot, with so much work behind us, we were in great need of a party. fortunately cinematographer kyle's birthday came at just the right moment. beth's younger brother arty (or was it beth again?) borrowed my camera during a festive dinner at the home of the filmmakers. and this was the result:

seeing in a completely different way than i usually see. and right on ... capturing the jovial moment: playful richard, the distinctly euro-feel of the meal, breadcrumbs and all. maybe it was just that arty -- if it was arty --sat a little lower than i normally sit, so he saw THROUGH the wineglass. whatever. the result reminds me to bend my knees, get lower, or higher, or from the side, or anything other than how i usually see from my 5'9" viewpoint. 

these young people taught me so much that summer. just one of the things they taught me was how so see. with a fresh perspective.

While there is perhaps a province in which the photograph can tell us nothing more than what we see with our own eyes, there is another in which it proves to us how little our eyes permit us to see. 

~Dorothea Lange

monday memories / RTW trip: the perfect safari

my aunt nancy (not to be confused with my birthmother nancy) left for south africa a few days ago, saying she she sure hoped her safari would NOT be anything like mine …

... my safari was twenty years ago, while travelling around the world for a year with my boyfriend. we stopped in kenya to visit with curt’s childhood friend ngugi who had since married, had two beautiful children, and was living in ngong outside nairobi. his wife and kids had never seen wild animals, so we decided to take them all on a two-day safari.

safari. just the word sent exotic images wafting through my head: karen blixen, born free, and architectural digest safari décor. 

the reality was, our pockets held 30-year-old’s-budget-travelers-wallets. still, i was going on safari …

we rented a jeep, two tents, and set out … along with ngugi’s baseball-bat-sized stick (tourists had recently been attacked, not by animals but by people) … intending to camp out. how naïve were we???

driving toward the masai mara, we encountered giraffes and ostrich. exciting! getting closer to a real safari! the first night we stayed in a masai campsite just outside the oloololo gate to the park. it was relatively similar to campsites at home … assigned spots, a bathroom/shower building, etc, but for the tall, lean men wearing red plaid sarongs milling about. (we heard the masai men typically did not wear underwear under their sarongs … so i, in my curious -- if juvenile -- way, wanted to see if it was true. it was.)

the next day we bumped down the dirt road south through the park. saw herd after herd of animals: antelope, wildebeest, kudu, leopard, even a lion feasting on a zebra, hyena and vultures lurking. the majesty of the land and the animals converged on one point: we humans -- not just in this game reserve but all over the world -- are on their land, the animals' land. we are trespassing on their land! so clearly and naturally, the earth belongs to the animals.

toward the end of the day, it was high time to find a campsite; we drove to the largest one we saw marked on the map in our area, only to find nothing resembling our experience the previous night.

this “campsite” consisted of an outhouse in the middle of a savannah, with trees in the distance on three sides and a dried riverbed behind us. spectacular african scenery, but still … nary a soul in sight! we decided to try one of the other two campsites nearby. each one was less impressive than the last, so we returned to the first place.

soon two masai men -- with spears -- showed up, said it was their campsite, and we needed to pay them the equivalent of $6 to stay. and for $2 more, they would sleep with us. not sleep WITH us! just sleep nearby. we promptly dug in our pockets for the additional cash. they turned and said they’d be back later, ambling away gracefully like giraffes.

after putting up the tents, curt and ngugi went scavenging for firewood, leaving me with ngugi’s wife mama-ciko (kenyan women take on the name of their first born, preceded by “mama”) and small children. traditional division of labor was seriously bugging me at this point in our travels. i was 30 and still needing to prove my i-am-woman independence. but i had to swallow my enormous pride and go with it; we had bigger things to worry about at that point. we began assembling camp, the sienna sun setting over our little piece of savannah. we were in the middle of wild africa, tiny in the grand scheme of nature. it was exhilarating! we had had the jeep between us all day. now i was feeling the nakedness of being one with nature.

unloading bags and pots and food, mama-ciko and i startled at the sight of a troupe of baboons, cackling and galloping across the far side of the field and disappearing into the trees. they seemed far enough away (about 100 yards), and i was thrilled with this brush with real safari life! mama-ciko, however, was fearful and kept the children nearby. we went about our business.

a few minutes later, however, these 12 or so waist-high baboons scampered up the riverbed and surrounded us in a circle around our little camp. mama-ciko scurried into one of the tents with the children and i deftly found our big stick. what else was there to do? one at a time, a baboon lumbered toward me, grunting. i held the stick up and, when it got closer, stabbed the air between me and it, sending the monkey to retreat to its former place in the circle. then another came at me. then another. i fended off four baboons before they all, suddenly, ran off across the field again and into the trees. the masai men had appeared on the hillcrest, thank god! i guess the baboons had “history” with the masai. regardless, we were saved (pride out the window)!

the guys returned with firewood, we ate with the masai men, and went to bed. but not to sleep. the dark night filled with ominous animal noises. ngugi got up to make another fire closer to the entrance to our two tents. he was afraid, mama ciko terrified. fortunately curt was pretty calm. my stomach was in knots. i was having my period, and was sure a lion would come bounding through our tent and devour me. the masai men did hear a lion's roar, and wanted to leave to check on their herd of cattle. no way, josé! ngugi talked them into staying … (i hope we paid them a bonus in the morning, and i hope their cattle were ok.)

morning. yes. then came morning. we had survived! spent the next day completely sobered and quiet, still driving and watching the animals. midday we came across one of those fancy tented camps (safari dream coming true??), but it was closed (sigh). desperate at that point -- and wanting nothing of a reenactment of the night before -- we found the caretaker who i pleaded with to allow us to stay in one of the enormous and luxurious walk-in canvas cabins, complete with two double beds and a private bathroom, for $50. a large sum for us, but i was primed to break the bank for some semblance of safety, and romantic safari experience! and we were able to finally relax.

sipping warm beer (better than no beer) on the stone veranda overlooking a bend in the river, all of us perched in comfy director’s chairs in the late afternoon glow. we marveled at the scenery: hippo in the river right before us. gazelle, waterbuck, oryx, fox, and even those pesky baboons at a distance on the opposite bank. we were safe. and having my ultimate safari experience, budget be damned! a spalding gray perfect moment. yes it was.

the monsoon rains poured down that night, but did we care? we were cuddled up in our grand tent. next morning the caretaker told us the hippo did some serious damage in the camp that night, while we were safe and soundly sleeping.

we made our way home to ngugi’s the following day. with stories to tell for a lifetime. and with dreams made real.

and i can’t wait for my aunt’s return to hear more safari stories. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

lesson learned: hold onto your dreams. they just may come true!

+++++

twenty years later and i still have romantic safari dreams. doesn’t everyone? the march 2008 issue of the late domino magazine featured kenya-based photographer liz gilbert (for some reason i’m enamoured by all liz gilberts) and her stylin' african nomad tent she uses travelling around the bush.

liz is now helping local kenyan women sell their stunning jewelry, and runs a straight-out-of-my-dreams lodge in kenya. dream on!

five things bringing me home

after an emotionally exhausting two weeks, my dog walk with daisey in the glimmering late afternoon october sunlight brought me back home, home to my neighborhood and my pleasant routines, and home to my self ... observing nature's changes, reminding me that i too change constantly, but that my essence and all essence remains the same. (note to self: don't wax philosophical when you're tired!)

here are five things also bringing me home, to my essence, right now:

1. my dear friend manny atkins' new blog. she's undertaking yet another HUGE ADVENTURE! get all over her site and get to know this remarkable woman, if you want to be enriched and inspired!

2. momenta workshops urges those of us with cameras to follow mahatma ghandi's words: "be the change you want to see in the world."

3. "sister" sue had her first ever art show (outside of her own home), is feeling the flow of life and was feeling so lucky she bought lottery tickets (and won $45!).

4. sat with our bright, caring pacific pioneer fund board members today at our tri-annual meeting. we gave $35K in grants to deserving, hardworking and artistic documentary filmmakers. our meetings take place at the gorgeous san francisco film society digs in the presidio. we are so lucky to be welcomed into this highly creative space! 

5. my talented and kind teacher/friend christine mason miller is offering her beautiful, inspirational book ordinary sparkling moments at a discount and giving part of the proceeds to HIV/AIDS projects in south africa. and she's throwing in 4 free notecards as a bonus, because she's generous that way. 

they came. they went. i wept.

so just one week after i had visited this lovely clan back in new hampshire, my favorite family in the whole wide world came to visit here for a couple days. and i really fluffed. as in, flubbed. as in, any and all f-ed words you can come up with. 

you see, they are all beautiful people, on the inside -- which is where it counts (on the outside too, but who cares?!). they love, they laugh, they spill forth with goodness, making all those around them feel joy. they kept talking to their children about being KIND, a top value in this family. 

erin, charlie, max (6), madigan (2), and newest member mckinley (5 weeks) stayed for just two days and two nights. and i think i managed in that wee short time to make them feel unwelcome and unwanted. oh no!

i didn't mean to do that. really i didn't. i LOVE these guys.

but i'm used to peace and quiet and neatness and calm. my home is a sanctuary. classical or spa music wafting gently through the rafters. 

and i've been living alone for a looooooong time. too long, obviously. 

as soon as the troops descended, replete with duffles and diapers and toys and bunny crackers and paper hats and squeals and cries ... i was a goner. my blood pressure skyrocketed. nervous system on overload. anxiety city. *

we all went to the zoo yesterday. 

these guys know how to ham it up, fun all around.

me? i felt like the mean monkey half the time.

the lone underwater seal the rest of the time.

and i certainly deserved this: 

my peace offering is this exotic flower we all saw and were entranced by at the zoo.

to ecm3 ... this photograph reflects how bright and colorful and gorgeous and interesting you are to me. i hope we can see many more flowers together. i hope you will return and i can host you more gracefully next time. xh

* just fyi - usually i'm a pretty cool hostess. have houseguests often. enjoy having people around. really i do.

Update on 2010-10-05 00:29 by hillarah

apparently these folks didn't feel any of the anxiety i felt. they're now home safe and sound. it's all good between us. and here it's quiet (heavenly).  just wanted you to know. 

she came. she conquered. she went.

dona. bella dona.

photographer. mother. lover.

artist. philosopher. poet.

warrior. worker. chef. 

the dusty white van with new mexico plates pulled up, cowboy boots spilling onto the sidewalk. she's heeeeee-er! 

set up booth. eat. sleep. set up booth some more. coffee. talk. charm. flirt. sell. eat. drink. sleep.

more coffee. more flirting. more selling. more eating and drinking. take down booth. bathe. eat. drink. sleep. 

drive for two days ... home. rest. repeat. 

the life of an artist is NOT EASY! 

i remember when, years ago, dona told me she couldn't NOT do photography. she HAS TO. to me, she is a real artist, the real macoy. she just has to express herself in this medium, and share her vision with the world. and she works like a dog -- fortunately at the thing she loves most -- so she can send her son to private school, has for 10 years.  

dona was here for the mill valley art festival this weekend. showed her stunning photography, mostly horses and nudes. each piece printed in her dreamy style, b/w, sepiatoned and/or hand colored. and framed by hand! each unique piece receives a unique frame -- either an old window or an antique frame, fixed up then distressed or painted then distressed some more. people love her frames as much as they love her photography. so much work goes into them. many artfest-goers took home an original dona piece. the festival was a success!

last month i was in santa fe helping dona set up/break down her booth for the huge annual indian market. she needs extra help these days. you see, her partner of 10 years passed over in january. he was her rock, and now he is gone. the grief process is hard enough without having to heft tents and panels and giant framed pictures and tables and all, preparing for a show. or maybe the grief process is easier, physical work releasing energy that needs to move in order to go on. either way, it's too hard to do it all on her own. (and time does heal the heart. she's balancing better these days.)

ruminating around her artful space, i made pictures of the things i saw. some are her photographs, some are photographs of her, some are photographs of others’ she has hanging around. 

as you can probably tell, i love this woman, this friend of mine. we have knows each other since our florida days ... she was working as a photo lab tech at the palm beach post where i had my second internship as a photojournalist. we hit it off. instant friends forever. soul sisters.

she was an emerging photographer and i helped her get her first photography job at the newspaper where my roommate was the photo editor, the palm beach daily news. and she was off and running. look at her now!

no courage at all

it didn't take any courage whatsoever to visit this clan, on my way out of squam and art camp in new hampshire. no sirree bob, this required nothing of the sort. these people i love, they love me, and all i had to do was soak it all up, the love, the friendship, the easy togetherness.

you see, this growing family (new third baby a month ago) is my family. yet another family of mine. i was there when their first was born. invited to actually be there for the miracle that is max. 

that's just how these folks are. they invited me to share christmas eve with them in san francisco when my mom was spending her last days at the hospital nearby. 

in fact, i was enjoying soaking them up so much, i forgot to take pictures! we supped on lobster and corn in the garden, a perfect new england evening.

and they surprised me with their and my dear aussie friends fab justin and the lovely lily. it all passed too quickly. 

and then it was time for max to go to school ... 

and for me to get on the road ... 

but they're all coming to visit the left coast next week. i hope my camera does a better job of showing all their faces then! 

squam (this courageous life, con't)

morning squam light

squam lake. art camp. was it just a dream? rustic cabins, roaring fires, rocking chairs, making fun art, meeting inspiring new people, walking through forests. they say *magic* happens here ... sounds great, right? but it also was an opportunity to stretch myself, little challenges along the way. 

eileen wearing all her art fair finds

i found my inner lioness. found the courage to:

-       stand alone in the middle of the dining room the first night, looking around and around not knowing where to sit, all the tables wrapped in their own conversations. first night i sat with merrilee, eileen and sarah … with whom i spent my last morning as well, photographing on the dock. i stood in the middle of the dining room several more times, each time finding a place, mustering up courage to ask “can i sit with you?” and finding warmth every time with strangers who became friends.

the one and only ... elizabeth maccrellish

-       trust elizabeth’s encouragement to find my “YES!” all week long and follow that. i participated fully all day long, then in the evenings retreated to my room to rest (so little sleep prior, preparing to come to squam). on the third night i ventured out and found a rock to sit on by the edge of the lake. my yes was to forgo the nightly party in the main lounge of my cabin, of which i could hear every word and creak of the furniture and floorboards. instead i sat on that rock listening to the loons (sounds like coyotes) and the lapping water, watching the clouds float by the moon. following my yes was very different than my cabin-mates' yes, and that was ok.

jonatha brooke doing her thang

-       bop in my seat to performer extraordinaire jonatha brooke’s opening night gig in the playhouse, not caring if anyone thought i was weird, thoroughly enjoying her expressive soul. jonatha rocks!

i made my own journal!

-       tell christine mason miller all about my tendencies to want my book to be orderly, simple, straight,  perfect. “should i follow that tendency or try to break out, break free?” she was kind, gentle, listened with that sincere smile of hers. why not free it up a bit, if only on one page, she replied. gave me a bit of a pep talk. i pasted in photos askew! glued bits of pretty paper all around, working on pages willy nilly. for the grande finale, i pasted on the plain cover the little tag christine gave me at the start of class, in her fun handwriting, which had gotten water spilled on it making the ink run, ASKEW, which said, “you are loved”. and i felt it.

starting to turn

-       divulge to elizabeth, who called me about housing the week before i left, about my journey to see my aunt carol the morning of the first day of squam. she listened wholeheartedly, asked questions, was interested, on a day when she probably had a gazillion other details to wrap for the workshops. on the last morning she was crying in my arms in the dining hall, overwhelmed by the emotion of holding this space for all of us, and in the middle of all that asked me how my visit with carol went. we cried together, a perfect moment.

the lovely sarah ahearn

-       listen deep down, during the opening night meditation, such a nice way to start a week of creativity. helene asked us to take a minute of silence and ask ourselves what our intention was for the week. i waited and listened, didn’t hear anything inside for a long time, thinking nothing would surface in that room full of people. then it did, totally a surprise to me. to embrace my feminine sexual energy. WHAT?! at art camp?! had a great dream that night, the message was clear: allow yourself to receive fully.

my new friend helen from england takes a polaroid

-       ask if i could participate in the squam art fair held on the last night of camp. i had brought a little basket of my photo greeting cards to camp, just in case. i was welcomed to share a table with someone, if space allowed. caryn overheard the conversation and said she would squeeze me in if i couldn’t find another better spot. turned out she didn’t really have space because her gorgeous work overflowed on her table. but right next to her barb did have space and generously offered it to me. so i set myself up on a little piece of her table, selling my cards in public for the very first time.

fallen

-       opened to a man. toward the end of the art fair, a man stopped by the table to chat. he was not in art camp, had been driving across the country and just happened upon this magical place rockywold-deephaven. he was a photographer from california! i was attracted to him (a first in a long time). i remembered my intention for camp and found myself fondling my heart chakra pendant while we chatted. remembered my intention. stood open and receptive. he bought a card, took my business card and said he’d send me one of his photo cards. regardless of what happens with this man, i’m feeling my readiness for a new relationship. 

sittin on the dock of the lake

-       chose this inspiration card in thursday's yoga class: i am willing to change. YES!

  sarah ahearn's sketchbook class

reflecting

yes. magic. and freedom.

angel elizabeth

elizabeth. amazing elizabeth. holding space for us all just to be. safe. free. loved. seen. 

i sent her a soul care package just days before the september squam art workshop began. figured she might need a boost right about then. she loved the buddha print i sent, said she needed it. but i also sent her a brian andreas print called "angel of mercy", which she didn't even mention, characteristically taking the focus away from herself. this print summarizes perfectly elizabeth, who she is for me, who she is for so many. 

in case you can't read it, it says:

most people don't know there are angels whose only job is to make sure you don't get too comfortable & fall asleep & miss your life.

thank you elizabeth, for being my angel.

ready ... set ... squam!

i'm going to squam! 

where?????

squam. don't you just love the sound of it? it almost sounds like a native american placename in oregon. but it's far far away from the pacific northwest.

squam is a lake in upstate new hampshire. since the turn-of-the-century, there have been cabins on this lake, surrounded by forests and fields. the camp is named rockywold-deephaven. don't you just love the sound of that????

and there i will listen to the loons, meet new friends, and soak up the creative ambiance surrounding the squam art workshops. that's what the website says. 

but i know, I KNOW, that it will be all that and much, much more. i've already spoken with the sweet strong soul who created the whole thing, elizabeth maccrellish, and i know these five days will be magic. she certainly is. 

anyway, i'm packing hoodies and hats, all my art materials for my classes (book in a day, make your own journal and sketchbook explorations), printing and scanning and copying photos photos photos, etc etc etc. the house is a disaster, UN DESASTRE!, packing projects and piles all around. which makes me absolutely insane. i have a hard enough time getting out the door (i think it's called "separation anxiety", pretty rough for someone who likes to travel as much as i do!). but as the piles get packed up in neat boxes and bags, the anxiety diffuses like the morning fog. 

and i have another special person i'm seeing right before heading to squam. more on that later.

gal pals (hill)

my gal pals ... what can i say? being with them is like being home in sweatpants, lying on the rug in front of the fireplace listening to jazz. oh yeah, maybe because we do that! but you know ... total comfort and warmth with nostalgia and dreams mixed together in sweet thick living room air.

laura was my freshman roommate in college. we landed in a dreaded "quad" of four, but we loved it. she and i have remained fast friends since then, for 30 years now. she was super smart -- didn't have to study much -- and beautiful, and she was willing to sing into her hairbrush with me.



meg was in a double upstairs from us ... can't even remember how we actually met (though i imagine she remembers). she was sexy and sophisticated -- still is -- and an amazing poet like her mother.

meg stayed at my house and watched my brood for me while i was away last week. laura lives in portland still, but her parents are here in norcal so she comes to visit often. together the three of us reminisce, eat, offer insight, drink, laugh ... i wish we all lived in the same neighborhood!

northern cali and southward home (hill)

road trip days 13-16: norcal coast - home (mill valley)

we finally slowed down the pace. instead of doing 6-8 hours of driving, we did 2 or 3 or 4. got to spend more time walking, shooting and on our starbucks sessions to upload our photos to picture summer. i remembered that i'm insanely in love with meadows. all those little grasses mixed together creating the perfect imaginary playland ... just like when i was a young girl, i imagine i'm thumbelina-sized, walking through the forest of GIANT trees (of knee-high grasses). sublime. even in the presence of a whole herd of elk, i felt the tug to snuggle into the opposite meadow -- sans elk -- but with the most magnificent display of feathery grasses and plants ... grasses, elk, grasses, elk ... for me it was clear ... grasses. but cynthia loved the elk. she wants to be a wildlife photographer in africa when she grows up.







my trusty van waited for us patiently (she finally got a name on this trip: mojo) between the meadows, grasses to the right, elk to the left.



later we found a great campsite on the banks of the klamath river close to its confluence with the pacific. the morning was deliciously foggy (home sweet home). cynthia REALLY wanted to see another bear, and in the morning we heard there had been one the previous evening playing on someone's tent. we must've been making dinner ... sheesh! but rumor had it there was a bear who swam across the river many mornings, so we sat in these chairs and waited, alas no bear.

our assignment that day was to photograph "wind".



we eventually wound our way down the avenue of the giants and burst out to the coast above mendocino. the coast! getting closer to home!



no bears but a great hillside of goats.



you old goat! (what do you think they were saying to one another?)



ended up in sonoma for lunch. our assignment that day was "light". this fork photo ended up being featured on the picture summer site! a lovely end to our trip.



cynthia flew back to australia after a few serious days of shopping: aveda, yoga mats, juicy, neoprene wine bags, etc etc etc. she is now officially my special shutter sister. it's hard to believe she just started photographing during our road trip. she has the gift! our last assignment of july was to create a photo garland of all the picture summer photos.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

road trip epilogue:

all in all, we travelled over 3500 miles in 16 days!

we experienced: yosemite granite, a bear, photo galleries, a las vegas show, the inside of a helicopter inside the grand canyon, red rocks at zion, deer, geological history, stone arches, friends, sushi bars, organic grocery stores, rock shops, big skies, campgrounds, sweaty shirts, maps, snacks of blueberries and walnuts and carrots (ate primal -- no gas station junk food -- the whole way), too many gas station restrooms, starbucks in every state, family, lizards, brand new guest beds, poached eggs, microbrewed beer, bbqs, more friends, kids, rivers, dogs (we both missed ours tremendously so had to pet each and every dog we came across), dusty cameras, photoshop, oregon green, an old boyfriend, giant sequoias, goats, the pacific, seals, fine restaurants, finer wine.

and so much of road trips happen inside the car. we talked the entire time. had brought 7 books on tape which we did not even listen to. we had 7 years to catch up on! shared music, stories, tears, the love of photography, laughs, insights. we rekindled a deep friendship. cynthia is 10 years younger than me, and she's like a sister, but not a younger sister. just a sister. i learned so much from her. strength. beauty. generosity. efficiency. love.

portland people (hill)

road trip day 11: salt lake city - portland

i used to live in portland. went to college there. made lots of friends. fell in love. you know ... life. and i love love love to go back and visit. my freshman year college roommate laura and i are still fast friends. she married college sweetheart phil (which i wrote about here). phil is HILARIOUS. and he's the penultimate, loquacious tour guide. of course he took us somewhere that made us all happy ... mcmenamin's edgefield microbrewery and gardens in nearby troutdale for sunday brunch (and i got artsy fartsy with the beer)!



then we had a bbq with more friends ... and all their cute kids ...



next morning, it was goodbye to all the portland people. we headed south to the mckenzie river valley and paradise campground -- which it was -- and the magic of the oregon landscapes ...

the horny toad and the eggs (hill)

road trip day 8: boulder - salt lake city

got to visit my brother and family in their new home just south of salt lake city. a too short but very sweet visit. they are so happy in their new house, even bought new guest beds so cynthia and i could sleep well. i love my family! on their former 3 acres, they didn't ever have to walk the dogs. now that they're in a neighborhood, they walk their dogs just like the rest of us. but not all of us have these views!



and they have other creatures in their yard ...



cynthia taught us all how to poach an egg without a special poacher pan. yum!

national parks, here we come! (hill)

road trip day 4: zion np - moab/arches np

the hot utah desert inspired us to get up early (at "sparrow's fart" in aussie speak) to beat the heat and hike around zion. after just a few days, we realized this was a photo safari, not really a strenuous hiking trip. hiking is great and all, but walking with a photographer's eye slows everything down: walk, stop, shoot, this angle and that, this lens and that, walk back for different angle, until visual satisfaction is felt. walk, stop, you get the picture. not much walking but tons of great photos and the joy that brings. then drive during the hottest part of the day, loving the aircon!, to see 4th of july fireworks over zion.









~~~~~~~~~

road trip day 5: arches np - boulder

arches in the am ...







then, after driving the WRONG WAY for an hour in the am, chatty cathys that we were, making it an 8hr drive instead of a 6hr drive ...

boulder is best! not only is my "sister" artist friend sue there, but she's now married to an awesome aussie man, so he and cynthia could talk aussie all day long without us understanding what they were saying. sure, it's all english, but those aussies, they change it all up and who knows WHAT they're saying! fortunately i can understand sue, even though she speaks a mile a minute ... all that energy cooped up in one being has to come out somehow. love ya sue! we picnic'd, joked through an entire outdoor concert (yeah, we were the annoying ones this time), shopped (boulder is GREAT for shopping), hiked a bit, visited naropa and c.u. so cynthia could see if she wanted to do grad work there (nope), did laundry, and generally had a great time. sue and cynthia think i should live in boulder ...

road trip! (hill)

when i was younger, i wanted to do a stint in the peace corps and i wanted to work at club med. big plans. well,  i did work at club med lindeman island on an exclusive island inside the great barrier reef in queensland, australia. (does this mean i'm shallow?) miracle of miracles ... somehow, i wrangled myself into a job as a tennis instructor. i hope you can imagine the goodness of an experience like this ... champagne at sunset on the 8th hole of the golf course overlooking the blue blue water,

running on the wooded trails unsettling swarms of butterflies, being silly (it's in the job description) to get the guests to cast off their city-selves and loosen up ... the list goes on. we did work insane hours keeping the gms happy ... it was like hosting a 6-month-long barbeque.

the best thing that came from my time there was cynthia brown. she's part of a well-known wine-growing family outside melbourne, she had a serious job in the village in the human resources office, and she was my roommate. besides the wine she generously shared with me, and her willingness to have double slumber parties (don't let your imagination get too carried away!), she was a wonderful roommate and we've been friends ever since.

well guess who's coming to road trip with me ... cynthia!

we're taking the vw van for a spin on july 1 (to see my 2003 spin, see escape artistry). destination: yosemite, las vegas, grand canyon, zion np, moab, boulder, salt lake city, portland, oregon and california coasts, and everything in between. all in 16 days. whew!

cynthia has been wanting to take up photography, so she's now well-equipped and ready to rumble. our road trip may be a photo safari of sorts. we've both signed up to participate in picture summer and will be learning more about photography and sharing our images along the way. how are you picturing your summer?



internet access depending, i will be blogging in periodically ... stay tuned!

expect a miracle (hill)

i'm feeling nostalgic. this week last year, i was on my way to france and spain to work on a movie. i wasn't the cinematographer, nor the director, nor the writer ... though i did have a tiny part as the lady in the tourist bureau until the actual lady got her courage up to be on camera. a star was NOT born. no, my main job as "scripty" was to sit on on a little stool in the prime real estate between the director and the cinematographer and tell the actors when they fluffed a line. (the mostly english cast and crew say "fluffed" instead of "flubbed" ... so much nicer to the ear ... and to the ego of the actor, i imagine!)



i was also the "continuity girl", making sure each actor spoke and gestured exactly the same way during each take in a scene ... a very tricky job requiring keen concentration. no being distracted by the handsome spanish farmer or the hot spanish sun. or ... the hot spanish farmer or the handsome spanish son!



oh, and i also did the still photography for the film's advertising.

it's a herculean effort, making a movie. i worked so hard, such long hours, and yet i still feel that i didn't work hard enough. i was jetlagged, then exhausted. but i didn't work nearly as hard as the folks who made this movie happen.



these english people, the atkins family, worked their fannies off (they definitely wouldn't say "fannies") making a film, as a family! the dad joe directed. the mom manny produced and was the lead actor. the youngest children beth and arthur also acted. the older sons harry and luc did the sound and music. these are some mighty talented and hardworking folks. their actor friends came to round out the cast and two french interns filled out the crew.



the film takes place along the chemin de st jacques in france and the camino de santiago in spain. the coolest thing for me was that i walked with miss daisey along the french part of this pilgrimage trail last april ... then in july i got to actually go to the pilgrimage end point of santiago with the film! pilgrims expect miracles ...

six months earlier while surfing the internet one evening, i had bumped into the atkins blog about their travels in a bus around europe and left a comment. manny wrote me back. we became friends via email, she invited me to stay with them on the way to my pilgrimage. and i offered to help with the film, and so i did. a miracle if you ask me!



one of the biggest blessings of working on this film was to meet the atkins and their friends. who just decides to make a movie and then goes and does it? the atkins do! they reminded me that anything is possible, absolutely anything, if you put enough head, heart and will into it.

the next biggest blessing was that i reignited my love affair with photography. not in the job description, i found myself making lots of behind the scenes photographs. so many beautiful places, and beautiful people to photograph! when i returned home, i decided not to go to grad school in psychology as i had planned, but to start a greeting card company using my photos, which will branch out into photos on canvas this fall.

another miracle, really. i found myself on that pilgrimage trail. not while hiking, but while filming "heaven."

the greatest miracle of all is that the film if you ever get to heaven is complete! and will be screened in england july 20. i will be here in the usa road tripping with my aussie friend around the western states ... so i'll have to catch the next screening, perhaps at the mill valley film festival! if you're lucky, it will be coming to a theater near you, too.